• Tue, May 17 2011

Textual Healing: You Have Been Dumped By Text. A Lot.

textual healingText messaging is often the fastest way to communicate with friends and acquaintances, but it’s not always the best one. Especially when it comes to texting with guys. Here at Crushable we aim to help you sift through all the subtext and emerge relatively unscathed – with a little help from our friend Amanda Ernst.

It looks like many of you have something in common with Charlie Sheen and (fictional) Condoleezza Rice: you’ve experienced the text message break-up.

I can’t say I was surprised that my last Textual Healing — which asked, “Have you ever been dumped by text?” — got you talking, but some of your stories really made my heart break, as I’m sure yours did when they first happened! Some of you got the dreaded text on holidays like Valentine’s Day (classic) or Christmas. Others said the break came from a guy you were seeing long distance. Commenter Erin S. said it best, “Texting makes it too easy for cowards. And bastards.”

I have never been dumped by text, although I recently received what was essentially a break up text before a first date could even occur. But I have experienced the cold blow of a break-up via some other sort of technology — like commenter K., I have been dumped by email and I got a fateful break-up IM, which commenter Jillian admitted to doing to one of her exes. Although mine came on my birthday and, Jillian, I doubt you were that cruel.

One thing I noticed many of you touch on in your comments was the feeling that after a break up text you still feel like the relationship is unfinished. This happens even when you break up face to face, but getting a pitiful text makes the feeling even worse. Both Erin S. and Miss A. said that they (understandably) reached out to their boyfriends after getting break up texts, but neither heard back. Sometimes it helps to get those feelings out there, even if you know you’ll never hear from him again. And, sometimes, you do get a response — though that’s bound to not really help the situation either.

Maybe, as commenter cshugs pointed out, breaking up in any way is just awkward, and there’s really no way to avoid that — or the hard feelings and rejection that come along with any break. In the end, I think cshugs’ break-up sounds as ideal as any break-up can be:

“i once had a mutual breakup where we both just stopped talking. and this wasn’t a ‘we’ve had three dates and we’re both not into it’ situation – this was a ‘we’ve been going on dates and sleeping in the same bed 5 nights a week for 5 months’ situation. it was the best and worst break up of all time… all my friends were telling me he’d call or text, but neither one of us reached out. haven’t seen him in over 2 years. saved a whole lot of awkwardness.”

Would you rather be dumped via text or just never speak to your guy again? Leave your thoughts in the comments below and you might see them featured in an upcoming installment of Textual Healing.

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  • Cass

    I think you may have meant to say Alec Baldwin instead of Charlie Sheen :-)

    • Amanda Ernst

      No — I meant both were dumped by text.

  • Erin S.

    “Would you rather be dumped via text or just never speak to your guy again?”

    Oh man; it’s like asking if I’d rather lose my sense of smell or sense of sight. Both choices suck.

    Never speaking to someone again is incredibly childish. It’s what the mean girls do in middle school. And a text dump that cancels the next date and no contact ever again is equally childish, but at least there’s some faint writing on the wall.

    What I think anybody would prefer is at the very least, a basic conversation that respects that everyone has feelings and the right to feel respected.

    Y’know, just say, “I’m just not feeling it with you, so I want to move on.”

  • Charley

    By Erin S.’s definition above, I am very very childish. I’ve dumped men by text. It’s generally because I know it’s over, and I don’t feel like dealing with the “why?”‘s and “but!”‘s or explaining my feelings or baggage.

    And sometimes people just don’t accept “I’m just not feeling it with you, so I want to move on”. Sometimes they get emotional. They call you cold, they call you heartless, they throw everything at you that they can to try and get a reaction – and sometimes I’m just not into hearing it.

    I did also do the “just stop talking to them” thing with one guy. I suppose I saw the writing on the wall and he wanted to pursue other options. So we just stopped communicating. That was the most whirlwind, crazy relationship I’d ever had – I think it’s poetic that it ended very much the same way it began.

    It’s whatever works for the relationship. Sometimes you feel like you owe it to the other to provide an explanation. Sometimes you withhold the explanation because you feel like it might just make the situation worse (tears, reminiscing, crazy talk, things of that nature).

    • Erin S.

      I’m with you Charley, for real.

      When you know there’s going to be a painful and protracted, “But WHY?!” type of followup and you’re certain that “I’m just not feeling it” (or something along those lines) won’t be enough, then yeah, I completely understand why anyone would text a simple, “I’m sorry, this isn’t working out. I don’t want to date anymore.” And then don’t respond when they want that painful followup conversation that won’t make anyone feel better.

      That makes sense.

      And definitely there are some relationships that after a few dates, it goes quiet.

      That also makes sense.

      What didn’t make sense in my particular case was a year-long relationship that ended with, “This weekend isn’t going to work” and then complete silence. My first inclination was okay, are we talking about hanging out next weekend? I had no idea that text meant it was over.

      It came off as pretty cowardly. Just be clear. I’m not going to come over and boil a rabbit in your kitchen.

  • Cara

    My ex boyfriend and I had a break up where he just stopped talking to me. It was the weirdest thing. I went to visit him at his school in Oklahoma (long-distance relationship) for a week. We had what in my opinion, a great time. When I got home, I texted him to let him know that I got back safely. He never responded. He never responded to any text I sent after that. I thought he something horrible happened to him, so I called his roommate… and his roommate broke up with me for him.

    That was a few years ago, but I still wonder from time to time what happened. I never nagged him or did anything to make him simply never talk to me again. Some guys really are just cowardly assholes.

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  • emmy

    I ask you do you really want to be dating a coward…..rejoice ladies and gentleman…karma what comes around goes around smile your worth much more love and light x