• Tue, May 10 2011

‘Star Wars vs. Star Trek’ and Other Tales: Which of These Franchises Would Win in a Fight?

On May 18, a fantastic new book will hit the stands: Star Wars Vs. Star Trek by Matt Forbeck. As you might expect, Forbeck’s book examines the age-old rivalry of Wars fans and Trek fans, though it does it through an unusual lens: The hotly debated question, could the Empire kick the Federation’s ass? In the words of Mr. Spock, fascinating! But how does the book measure the seemingly immeasurable qualities of these two science fiction giants? I have six words for you: Who. Would. Win. In. A. Fight. That’s right: Star Wars Vs. Star Trek pairs similar characters and creations from each franchise and invents a scenario in which the two would find reason to fight. Subjective? Maybe. But entertaining? Hell yes. Storm Troopers fighting Red Shirts? Check. Yoda facing off with Spock? Check. Darth Vader battling Khan? Check!

That got us here at Crushable HQ to thinking: How many other franchises have we always wanted to see duke it out? The answer was plenty. So, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you Pop-Culture Collision, in which we pit a selection of today’s most popular franchises against each other. Who’s going to win? Read on to find out!

Up first, we have:

Stephenie Meyer’s TWILIGHT vs. Anne Rice’s THE VAMPIRE CHRONICLES

Lestat wasn’t entirely sure what he was doing in this odd little town called Forks. It was dark; it was cold; and it was decidedly unfashionable. Still, he had heard about what Forks had been doing to the noble tradition of the vampire, and he knew he had to do something about it. Now if only he could find…

Aha! There he was, the little bugger– Edward Cullen, the only known vampire to successfully defang his entire kind. It was because of him that the world had ceased to revere vampires through their fear.

Lestat watched him walk through the misty parking lot, a human girl at his side. A human! At his side! Lestat burned, his indignation rising up until he could no longer stay silent. “Cullen!” he shouted.

Edward paused as Lestat stepped out of the mist. “Who are you?” he asked, confused.

Lestat bowed with a flourish. “Allow me to introduce myself. I am the vampire Lestat– and you and I have business to attend to.”

Realization dawned in Edward’s eyes. He turned to the girl beside him. “Go wait in the car, Bella,” he said.

Her lower lip trembled. “But–”

“I said wait in the car.”

She glanced at Lestat, then did as she was told. Lestat shook his head. His little Claudia would have made a meal out of this girl in less than five seconds. But no matter; he had more important matters to attend to at present. He narrowed his eyes at Edward. “How dare you,” he growled.

“How dare I what?” Edward challenged.

“You– YOU– have single-handedly managed to destroy everything that vampires stand for!” Lestat declared. “And for that– you must DIE.”

Edward held his hands up. “Whoa, whoa, whoa,” he said. “I’ve done nothing of the sort!”

“You dare to deny it?”

“How have I done that? How? Tell me!”

Lestat couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “You lark about with humans!” he exclaimed. “You live off of animals! You go to HIGH SCHOOL! You call THAT scary?”

He had a point. Edward stuck his lip out petulantly. “Yeah, well, at least I can go out in sunlight!” he shot back.

“You can’t be serious,” Lestat scoffed. “No vampire can do that. It’s death!”

“It’s not!” the younger vampire objected. “I just sparkle when I do it!”

There was a pause. Lestat blinked. “I’m sorry, you what?

“…Sparkle.”

Lestat’s eyes widened. Then he started laughing. If Edward could have blushed, he would have; Lestat’s laughter had the power to make even the tallest giant feel like an ant, and Edward now faced its full fury. But the laughter ceased as an ax suddenly appeared in Lestat’s hands. Edward blinked. The blond vampire swung…

…And Edward’s head toppled off. Lestat delicately adjusted the lace at his wrists. “Let’s see you sparkle now,” he grinned.

WINNER: Lestat wins by a head. Literally.

You can reach this post's author, Lucia Peters, on twitter.
Share This Post:
  • Matt Forbeck

    Thanks for the coverage of my book, and for the excellent article. Just FYI, the book shipped early and is in stores now.