Step one: get on a Real Housewives show. Step two: produce terrible autotuned single.
That strategy has worked so far for Kim Zolciak (Atlanta), Countess LuAnn de Lesseps (New York), and Danielle Staub (New Jersey), in the sense that “worked” means “failed spectacularly but provided me with hours of snark material.” Next up in the famewhore Olympics is Simon van Kempen, the perennially metrosexual husband of Real Housewives of New York cast member Alex McCord. His single, “I Am Real,” was clearly intended as an homage of sorts to Jennifer Lopez‘s song of almost the same name. Because what’s realer than pretending your children are French and sneaking cigarettes behind your Brooklyn apartment when you there are no TV cameras looking? (Yes, Simon, we do live nearby, and yes, we did see you.)
The song is basically about the “struggle” that Simon has being a “celebrity.” Here are some of my favorite lyrics:
- “When wives attack behind my back/they trash me on their Twitter”
- “They wear their daggers, those cheeky tongue-waggers”
- “I don’t give a damn, because that’s my deal”
- “We kiss and hug/we preen and hug/because we are celebrities”