‘Glee’ Recap: All Hail General Zon!

After a lengthy hiatus, Glee is back in action and ready for devastating amounts of evil. Demonic Sue calls a meeting of the demented minds in the middle of the night, time usually designated for Sylvester’s “bow-hunting for hobos.” Joining in the insidious coach of Vocal Adrenaline Dustin Goolsby (Cheyanne Jackson), disgraced glee coach Sandy Ryerson (Stephen Tobolowsky) and of course Terri Schuester, shrew. Sue dubs them Sargent Handsome, The Pink Dagger, Honeybadger respectively, before handing out their assignments designed to take down Will Schuester’s pride and joy. It goes without saying that Goolsy fails to ruin Schue’s current relationship and Sandy biffs the opportunity to ruin the glee kids’ performance. As for the Honeybadger? Ah, she lies in wait…

Across the quad and during daylight hours, Schue has it in his head that if the New Directions can only sell 20,000 pieces of salt water taffy at 25 cents each, they’ll have paid their way to Finals. As always, Santana is the voice of awesome as she pointed out how insane that idea is. Seriously, I would pay 25 cents to not have to eat a piece of taffy. Simultaneously, The Brainiacs, McKinley’s Academic Decathlon team made up of Mike, Tina, Artie and Britney, don’t have to funds to get them to their Nationals in Detroit. Not to toot my own euphonium, but I myself was on an Academic Decathlon team from Ohio that went to Nationals when I was in high school, and these kids would have shredded us. Feline AIDS? White rappers? Call me when you have questions about the history of the American Southwest. Unfortunately, Schue’s solution for the Brainiacs dilemma is….even more taffy. Some times I really wonder about that ma. I really do.

Gwyneth is back as substitute teacher and Schue’s snuggle bunny Holly Holliday. Holly soon realized that Schue is, was and forever shall be smitten with Emma, whose failed marriage to The Hottest Dentist Alive has caused her OCD to come back in full-force. Holly is also the one who suggests the group throw a benefit concert rather than sell SALT WATER TAFFY, i.e. more pieces of salt water taffy than the state of Delaware eats in a year. Schue announces the upcoming Night Of Neglect, featuring songs from neglected artists. The kids leap on board, where they immediately scheme a way to get around the premise; when Rachel suggested Celine Dion for her song, my eyes rolled approximately 360 degrees in their sockets.

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