February 15, 2010
The phone rings, and I jump only slightly. I read somewhere that after filming Psycho, Janet Leigh had to take a shower with the door open and a maid standing guard. What a diva. Sure, I’m a little jumpy after years of having strange voices call me up threatening to eviscerate me, but I wouldn’t make my maid stand by the phone. Just my assistant, Sabrina.
“Who is it?” I call out from the kitchen, where I’m hard at work over my newest crafting project. I sift through the pile of yarn, looking for the perfect shade of brown to match her hair. Too blond… too dark… here we go! Now, for the pins.
“It’s your publicist.” Sabrina walks into the kitchen and tosses me the phone. I almost drop it, it’s so small; am I the only person who thought life was easier when we were holding up brick-sized phones to our ears? “Hey,” I say into the tiny mouthpiece. “So what’s the word on Dancing with the Stars?”
“Neve, sweetie,” she starts, “it’s really a shame. See, you were the first person they thought of this season! But the producers realized that it would just be so unfair to the other contestants. Considering all the training you did for The Company, you know. You’re just too good!”
“I did train a lot,” I say distractedly, stabbing a pin into voodoo-doll-Jennifer-Love-Hewitt‘s boobs. I stick some in her legs for good measure. Now even if they call her up to be on DWTS, she won’t be able to dance her way out of a paper bag. That’ll show her — taking the Party of Five spin-off from me, that bitch. Why do you think I had that three-episode guest star on Medium? I had to find some way to beat Ghost Whisperer in the ratings.
Out of habit, I hang up without saying goodbye. “No go on Dancing with the Stars?” Sabrina asks sympathetically.
I shake my head and think back to the Simpsons episodes I did in 2009. I’m relevant, I’m relevant…
“Aw, I’m so sorry,” Sabrina says. “Do you want to hop in the car and stalk Mila Kunis for a little while?”
I manage a smile. “Thanks, but I’ll be OK. She’s probably already in New York anyway… shooting Black Swan at Lincoln Center… becoming best friends with Natalie Portman. At least, that’s what the Internet said. I don’t actually know what she’s up to. The Internet is great, isn’t it?”