Bless Your Heart, Maria Menounos

In this feature, Lilit digs out her Southern etiquette books and has a come to Jesus moment* with a celebrity.

So, your mother tells me you have a lady-advice book for girls. I think that’s just great. After all, it’s up to women to pass on their secrets through the generations. At least that’s what my grandmother told me. And you’re calling yourself EveryGirl? And making some sorts of instructional videos about makeup and clothes and pictures of clothes? On something called a Bing?

Now, I’ve never interviewed a celebrity, although I did once get to introduce myself to Travis Tritt when he appeared at the state fair to crown me Miss Summertime Peach Festival. That said, even when he was placing the pastel-colored wreath on my head, at no point did I suddenly think that being Miss Summertime Peach Festival put me anywhere close to being a living legend like Travis Tritt, or even a minor living legend like that guy who used to go out with Julianne Hough. Etiquette exists so that people stay in their proper places, darling. You are someone who interviews celebrities, not a celebrity who gets interviewed. The distinction is important. The only people who has ever been able to transcend those barriers are Oprah and Barbara Walters, and that is because they make famous people cry on television. You, my dear, just ask them who they are wearing (we’ll get into the awful construction of that sentence later) while blinking into a television camera, and that does not a Hollywood icon make. That is what makes your business idea absurd: people want style and beauty advice from someone famous, not from someone who spends sixty seconds asking actual celebrities what their favorite flavor of ice cream is. (Unless you are a Mary Kay lady. Are you a Mary Kay lady? Because I think a pink Cadillac would be just charming with your coloring, honey.) Giving someone advice when they haven’t asked you for it comes across like bragging, sweetie, and if there is one thing we don’t do it is brag. Better to let all the other women seethe over your never-mussed hair than give them all your hairdresser’s phone number without them asking for it. A lady doesn’t have beauty tips. She wakes up looking like that every morning with just a little kiss from the Lord himself, and even if she’s got on a face full of foundation she’d never say otherwise in the presence of another woman.

Also, what is this nonsense about Bing being a “decision engine”? Now, honey, there’s nothing wrong with a little hyperbole from time to time but that is just a lie.

Do you need a sweater, darlin? Your shoulder looks cold.

*A “come to Jesus moment” is sort of like an emotional intervention – it’s when you sit someone down and give them harsh but needed life advice.

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