I’ve always said if the perfume fits, WEAR IT, amirightladies? Okay, I’ve never said that. But what I have said numerous times to no one in particular (because no one is listening) is that the one thing I love more than pretending I’m a celebrity is smelling like one. Thank God some of the most fabulous famous womyn out there make it easy to bathe in their scent. Let’s honor the memory of the celebrity perfume original gangstress, Elizabeth Taylor, and chat about some of the best fragrances out there. Hiding the smell of sadness is wrong then please don’t tell me otherwise, amirightladies?
Elizabeth Taylor – White Diamonds
What a classic. And the commercial ain’t bad either, amirightladies? But seriously, who hasn’t seen this ad at least once in their lifetime? The answer is no one. This woman turned her name into a label and named her label’s perfume after one of the most precious gems in the world. I can’t even convince the deli I go to every day to name a sandwich after me. I think everyone would want to eat “ Gail’s Cheesy Kuntwich.” But maybe that’s just me.
I’ve never actually used “White Diamonds” (I prefer Febreeze), but I imagine it smells like a mixture of blood, old money and JCPenney. Let’s just remember that Liz Taylor’s star burned so bright that diamonds literally melted off of her onto all the plebes around her. Especially poker players. And that’s a burning sensation I want to smell like. RIP, you great white diamond.
Cher – Uninhibited
Speaking of vintage: Cher. When I think of the word uninhibited I think of my appetite during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster. Cheddar Bay biscuits free my spirit. And test my elastic waistband, amirightladies?
Now before you say “I have a lot of people inside of me” was a poor choice of words, take off the double-entendre judgment pants and let your panties untwist themselves girlfriends! She just means she has lived a crazy, colorful life that has left the trail of many people inside of her. Wait. If you want to have a lot of people in you like Cher does, then wear “Uninhibited.” No.
And Cher, you will NEVER be too old to wear your motorcycle jacket, because you were always too old to begin with. And isn’t that the essence of being uninhibited? I just don’t know anymore.
Britney Spears – Fantasy
Say what you will about Britney, but she’s right. Everybody does have a fantasy. Even me, and I know what you’re thinking but it doesn’t involve food. It involves a bed of kittens and Tom Brokaw wearing nothing but a burlap sack and a frown. My fantasy used to be a brownie that became a full-sized edible boyfriend, but Saturday Night Live made a joke commercial about that a few years ago and I’ve since trained myself not to store the fantasy in the closed door part of my brain. See you in my dreams never, microwaveable “Devil’s DUDE Cake.”
The one thing Brit Brit doesn’t mention, though, is fantasies don’t always come true. For example, even I know that Britney + Kevin didn’t really work out. Even though their names were carved into a tree. Looks like the success rate of her fragrance was just a FANTASY. GAILED IT.
Take a chance on love, but don’t take a chance on this perfume. Better safe than sorrier than you were when you woke up this morning. Mondays, amirightladies? (It’s Thursday)
Kim Kardashian – Kim Kardashian
I think it’s really unfair no one told Kim Kardashian they were filming the photoshoot. How was she supposed to look at the rolling video camera. She’s a professional celebrity, not a director of photography. I don’t mean to get so sassy here, but I’m really upset at how stupid the Advertising Fatcats made her look in this spot. The footage must have been so unusable that they had to add some still photographs to fill the spot. It’s like I’m caught in some sick inside joke. Shame on you Sephora & company. Leave Kim alone. Long live the sisterhood, amirightladies?
That said, Kim Kardashian (the fragrance) seems a little too “sexy” for my taste.
Celine Dion – Sensational
I liked this song better when Shakira sang it, amirightladies? They can’t all be winners.