• Thu, Mar 17 2011

How I Learned To Love My Huge 36H Breasts. And You Can Too!

The author (demonstrating the enormity of her breasts) on her wedding day.

I’m a Chesty Betsy, with some tig ole’ bitties. Huge knockers. Plus-sized funbags. Basically, I have enormous breasts, is what I’m trying to tell you. I was a 36H the last time I got fitted. 36H.

I’ll just let that sink in for a minute. For those of you who yearn for larger breasts, let me make it clear. Large breasts are annoying. And I spent a long time hating my giant ta-tas. But I’ve come to peace with them. And with a few small tricks, you other well-endowed ladies can too.

Go get fitted for a bra. Oh my god, go get fitted for a bra. And no, Victoria’s Secret is not an appropriate place to do this. Their sales associates are not properly trained and second, they only carry up to a DD (which, BTW, is secretly an E), so they won’t tell you you’re anything larger than that. Go to the fanciest department store you know of and find the oldest woman there. Tell her you need to get fitted. She’ll feel you up (the good ones don’t need measuring tape) and spit out a number that will be three cup sizes bigger than you thought you were. Accept it. That’s what you are now. Another thing you need to accept: if you wear above an E cup, even remotely pretty bras will run you at least $60 a pop. Suck it up and deal (and/or obsessively look for sales). Once you get a bra that fits right, it will all be worth it. A good bra lifts, separates, and makes you look like you lost ten pounds.

A quick word about sports bras: you will never be a runner, because there is no sports bra in the world that will let you jog without bouncing. That said, TitleNine makes a bra called, charmingly, The Last Resort, which comes pretty close, if you’re an F or under. They don’t make larger bras. What’s up with that?

Avoid turtlenecks. Here’s the bad news: you can’t wear crewnecks or turtlenecks, because anything with a neckline that completely covers the bust will make you look like you’ve popped out five kids. Shirts with writing are out: you’ll stretch them out and they look obscene. Halter tops are too much strain on your neck. Most devastatingly, the loose, flowy tops and dresses that look perfect on your smaller-breasted friends will just make you look pregnant.

The good news: anything else can basically work for you and, thanks to Christina Hendricks, designers are having a curvy moment. Choose pieces that show at least the very tippy-top of your cleavage – otherwise, it looks like no one told your clothes about your boobs. Go for structured tops and dresses – anything with darts or a fitted waist will make you look like a rock star. I wear an 8 or 10 on the bottom, but a 16 on top.

Find a good tailor and make friends with him/her. I buy the biggest size I need and then take it to the tailor or buy a giant waist belt. Done. Button-down shirts particularly want tailoring: buy a size big enough to accommodate your chest without gaping at the buttons and then get the rest taken in.

Note: the fact that you want clothing that’s fitted and not high-necked doesn’t mean you need to walk around in tight, low-cut ensembles (though if that’s your thing, rock it). The number one challenge of being ample-bosomed is that, as Tina Fey once put it, “I only have two speeds — either matronly or a little too slutty.” Learn to walk the fine line between the two.

Breaking: other people notice your rack, which is a whole set of issues when it comes to dating. I’m married now, but toward the end of my single days, I started appreciating my chest as a litmus test. If a dude couldn’t stop staring at my cleavage while my clothes were still on (or if he mentioned wanting to put his junk on my breasts two seconds after we started making out) he was probably not “in it for the right reasons,” as they say on The Bachelor. I also appreciate the fact that I can tell when someone’s comfortable with me by whether or not they mention my boobs, rather than just silently treating them as the lace-covered elephants in the room.

If you’re extremely well-endowed up top, you will never be a waif. I lost thirty pounds a few years ago and my cup size actually went up. The sooner you accept that, the happier you’ll be. If I can learn to rock my rack, you can, too. But seriously, go get fitted for a bra. STAT.

(Top Photo: Inbal Sivan. Other photos: The115, Nathblog)

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  • Rose

    I am also a 36H. I was fitted at Dillard’s. Their lingerie ladies are trained on the proper way to fit. They do use a tape measure. One of the ladies said the biggest complaint people have after trying on the bra that is the right size for them: “It’s too tight.” The right size bra may feel tight at first simply because the bra you were wearing before wasn’t snug enough. If you find you’re constantly adjusting your bra straps or bosom, your bra is the wrong size. The right size should hug every curve. I noticed that after about two months of wearing a snug fitting bra (even to bed), I wasn’t as saggy.

  • Katie

    This didn’t make me love my 32Hs, it just reminded me of all the crap I have to put up with.

    • Jenna

      Can’t win em all. Some of us were actually inspired by this article.

  • Kim

    I really enjoyed this and I hate that if you’re big breasted you’re supposed to see it as miracle. It’s so difficult to be taken seriously. More of these please? Does anyone have advice about dressing boobs for the office and interviews?

  • Heather

    Getting fitted for a bra was the BEST thing I ever did. I really did look like I lost 10 pounds, and my 32Fs are happy about that.

  • Lauren

    Its nice to get another prospective on her big breasts. I really liked mine from the moment I got them. I wanted them because my sister had them and I wanted to be just like her. The only time i hate them is when I get my BMI done because they add like 20lbs and I feel based on the normal woman chart I will never be “healthy”. I fell pray to the Victoria secret trap but when none of their bras fit I went to a department store. I probably found it because i stalk most store that sell larger sizes to get good deals but the do make sports bras for larger sizes. My boyfriend got me this one for my bday (I told him what I wanted and my size) http://www.barenecessities.com/anita-maximum-control-extreme-control-no-wire-sports-bra-5527_product.htm?pf_id=Anita5527&search=36G. I’m not a runner but I think it would handle it. It works well for me and there is no uniboob. I guess I’m just trying to say don’t give up hope

  • Haywood Jablome

    Let’s face it, you could stand to lose a few pounds and that would probably help and be better for you.

    • Jenna

      You’re an ass. Why come to this blog just to hate? She said she lost 30 pounds and went UP a cup size. You clearly know nothing about how weight actually affects breast size.

      Please go away and let the rest of us be happy.

      Oh and at to the lady who mentioned figleaves.com – THANK YOU. That website is an answer to prayer.

  • HumanTorch

    I am a 34H and found this article so encouraging! It’s so easy to feel like I am the only one out there with breasts this size who has to worry about looking like a circus tent on top with sticks for legs every time I get dressed! Also, the fact that you found a wedding dress that fits you makes me so happy! That’s my biggest fear – shopping for dresses. I love the website figleaves.com – they have great sales and inexpensive options for girls with tig bitties!

  • KV

    For those of you who don’t understand the way bra fitting works… a 36 ANYTHING is pretty average. Your bust size has little to nothing in common with your weight. I am a 34F myself, and I am actually slightly under average for my weight group in my age. However, I still have issues finding ANY kind of bra or clothes that can fit my curves without looking too tight or feeling uncomfortable in the shoulders. Someday, when I’m rich, I’m just going to get them reduced.

  • Mikael

    Pictures please.

  • pinger

    Ladies, we all have our burdens in life. And, sorry to be crass or rude, but listening to a bunch of women bitching about naturally having phhysical assets that many women pay $10,000 for is ridiculous.

    “Oh, my gigantic, amazing monster tits that ensure that I will never get a traffic ticket are such a burden!!”

    Seriously, STFU!

    • seriously?

      @pinger
      yeah pinger, since you are so familiar with what it’s like to have 20 pounds of tits on your chest every place you go.

      look, observing from the sidelines, a huge rack is awesome (given one’s tastes), but to just write off a common complaint because you have the luxury of being on the sidelines is ridiculous.

    • Geoff

      You don’t go through what my girlfriend goes through. It’s hard to get fitted, hard to find flattering clothes, until YOU know what any of them go through why don’t YOU go STFU!

  • Cordelia Hunttington

    i’m 17 and feel so CURSED to have 36H breasts.. i got fitted like last week and wanted to cry… its like my breasts grew overnight i dont even remember being a C cup i feel like i just jumped to DD… this post really make me think. thankyou it was insightful