• Tue, Mar 15 2011

Life Lessons From ‘Skins’: Don’t Have Sex In A Tree House, You’ll Hit Your Head

A better life lesson from Skins is maybe “don’t commit statutory rape,” but that’s a little prosaic, isn’t it? Last night’s ep began in a tree house, where teacher Tina is getting down and dirty with her 17-year-old student, Chris. Tina’s on top and she hits her head on a cabinet – ouch! Then she starts crying, not because her head hurts, but because it’s her birthday and she’s here, in a tree house, committing statutory rape.

Tina’s day rapidly turns to shit — and we can probably assume the head-hitting incident is to blame, not that fact that Tina’s an emotionally abusive criminal who doesn’t have her shit together at all. Tina gets reprimanded by her principal for being a terrible teacher, she gets fired by her students as president of the yearbook club (is that a real thing?), and then she forgets to write the test she was supposed to be giving, so she runs out and pulls the fire alarm.

And that’s just the stuff that happens before 3 P.M. On her drive home, Tina encounters her devastatingly attractive across-the-hall neighbor who’s out walking in the rain because his car broke down. She convinces him to take her out for dinner for her birthday, a dinner of burgers eaten inside her car. Dude kisses her and Tina immediately tries to do it with him — there in the car, in the parking lot of a fast food joint, when they are neighbors who live across the hall from one another and both, ostensibly, own beds. He is understandably not into the idea, so he leaves.

It’s a good thing, too! Because Chris has snuck into Tina’s apartment and organized a surprised birthday party full of teenagers on ecstasy. Surpiiiiiiiiiiii-oh-wow-your-sweater-is-so-soo0O0oooft-can-I-fuuuuck-it? The party ends in tears, broken IKEA furniture and urine on the wall. Which sounds pretty bad, until you get to the next sequence wherein one of Tina’s fellow teachers walks in on her while she’s copulating with her teenage boy toy. Oy.

Next up… cops! In a most unsubtle display, several officers come and arrest Tina while she’s teaching a class. She has been accused of statutory rape, which is good, because she COMMITTED STATUTORY RAPE. Which is like not an okay thing to do, probably. Yet? We still blame her misfortunes on the tree house incident. So if you’re looking to stay out of prison, don’t follow teenage boys into their tree forts, where they will seduce you with their charm, wit and Four Loko. Or at least wear a helmet.

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