We hereby call to order The Celibacy Club! Rachel, Quinn and Emma meet in an empty classroom to confirm their commitment to not getting it, or as Ms. Pillsbury would put it, being “terrified of the hose monster.” When her chastity charms start being used as nipple rings, Emma runs into the physical manifestation of boning, i.e. Gwyneth Paltrow’s substitute teacher Holly Holiday, currently filling in for a heath teacher with a terrible case of the herp. Paltrow at her most winsome dismisses Emma’s concerns about helping sexualize children, opting instead to demonstrate condoms on cucs. This proves to be an essential lesson.
Meanwhile, Santana offers to get her sweet lady kisses on with Brittany which is, HELLO, cheating, but Brittany can’t cuddle due to the FETUS IN HER UTERUS. Santana immediately tells everyone in the club, and when I say everyone I mean she pivots and Tina is walking right beside her who then tells Puck who is walking by and so on, and so forth. Also, when are Puck and Lauren Zizes finally going to bone and take away all of my frustrated high school memories? It’s like 2001 all over again. Keep on keeping on, woman. It comes out soon enough that Britney thought she was getting a baby because a stork was building a nest on her garage, which is both the cutest and most horrifying thing you can hear a sexually-active teen say. Schue realizes he needs to get his teaching on before everyone in his damn-near incestuous club is quick with child. If only there was a way to combine a much needed sex ed lesson with preparation for next week’s regionals…Enter a leather-clad Gwyneth, and a musical lesson about sexy sexy sex.
While watching Oscar Award winner Paltrow on her knees, breasts out with an open jacket in front of Artie’s eager lap was, as Schue put it, “too much,” even Rachel and Quinn get out of their seat for her swaggering version of Joan Jett’s “Do You Want To Touch Me?” So of course Emma has the Celibacy Club perform a competing number: “Afternoon Delight,” which Emma seems to think is a dessert containing pineapples, coconut and marshmallow fluff. Only if you want to get a wicked-bad yeast infection girl! Her husband Carl insists they meet with “Dr.” Gwyneth to discuss their love life. It’s revealed that the newly weds have not only never had sex, but Emma is almost certainly still in love with Will Schuester, which duh duh duh duh duuuuuuuuuuuh.