The next day New Directions are scheduled to sing “Tik Tok” at the assembly, which even the drunkest Mr. Schue should have realized was an insane choice that made no sense for the situation. Britney is already Ke$ha times 100 already, and when she hits the ground in a splits, teens around the nation started practicing their keg stands. I know I was! Until it becomes clear that Britney is going to puke in front of the whole school. And then she does…and oh, it is glorious. Full of pre-performance shots, Brit barks directly into in Rachel’s face, grey slime splattering on the side of her head, the sight of which then causes Santana to hurl. While I was hoping for an all-school chain reaction of regurgitation, a vom-splattered Britney warning the student body, “Everybody, drink responsibly,” was almost as rewarding.
As if losing your lunch in front of your peers wasn’t enough to turn kids off drinking, Sue then manages to tap into the P.A. system and play Will’s drunken come-ons, which are clearly for Emma. Sue is no longer controlled by human laws, is she? “I rode a bull and I was thinking of you,” he slurs to the entire student body, and it is brutal. When Figgins finally brings the glee club into his office, he only has one word for them: congratulations! Well, two words if you count achievement! Figgins was wowed by the “special effects” they somehow rigged to have two of their members projectile vomit actual throw-up out of their mouths on stage, which again is the only way that using Tik Tok to encourage sobriety would conceivably work. The school’s fine arts budget hard at work! While Schue narrowly avoids being fired for one more day, he makes the kids sign a pledge saying they won’t drink until after Nationals, and neither will he. “But if you don’t drink, what will you live for?” Santana points out to Schue. “Like what, exactly” Mercedes presses. Well, there’s always…um, and let’s not forget about the…uhhhh. Anyway, Rachel and Kurt take a trip to Blaine’s favorite coffee place in order for Rachel to prove that he wasn’t just bi as the result of too many beers (though, wouldn’t that be more honest to the teen experience if he was?). One sober kiss from Rachel’s lips and Blaine remembers that he is completely and utterly gay. Rachel is ecstatic to have real-life experience to write her songs about (um, hello, how about your recent break-up? The drama of meeting your biological mother only to have her leave again? YOUR TWO GAY DADS?), leaving Kurt to pine for another day. That kind of longing could lead a boy to drink, which is okay as long as it’s done responsibly according to the show. Overall, a little ham-fisted, but a fun and different way to let kids know: hey, we all love to party, just don’t do it so hard you flunk out of school and die. It’s an important lesson for us all.