Romancing The Bone: The Single Girls’ Guide To Valentine’s Day

So today is Valentine’s Day today (as we’ve been constantly reminded since January 2). If a girl is boyfriend-less on this most sacred of days, pop culture offers her few options. She can either 1) drink a bottle of pink Andre and weep into a heart-shaped box of chocolates alone in her room or 2) do the above activities with her equally single girlfriends after getting dressed up and spending an emotionally devastating night at a sports bar.

SCREW THAT NOISE. Valentine’s Day doesn’t own us; we own it. Just because a women hasn’t chained her genitals to one person for the foreseeable future doesn’t mean she should be dragged through the emotional dirt every time she sees a commercial for those heart-shaped Dunkin’ Donuts (which are so cute, right?). So for every woman who finds herself single today, here are some tips on how to survive VD with your mind, and your tear ducts, intact:

1) Go heart crazy: Despite what the TV suggests, Valentine’s Day doesn’t have a monopoly on hearts, chocolate, glitter or the color pink. They still belong to everyone! Maybe a single girl can make her own conversation hearts with a fine-tip Sharpie; little nothings like “Sweet Vag” and “I <3 BLTs” really add a personal touch. Or she can cut out heart-shaped baloney pieces and put them over her eyes and send pictures to her coupled-up friends saying, “This is you, Love Zombie.” A woman can slip into her sassiest red dress and, if anyone asks, explain that it stands for the joyous monthly shedding of her uterine lining from her baby-free womb. The pink, glittery sky’s the limit, and those pink and red M&Ms don’t mean anything but sweet, chocolately goodness unless we believe The Man when he says so.

2) Don’t do anything: While all couples the nation over are currently suffering the pressure of Romantic Expectations, single ladies can bask in the fact that they do not! I personally will be having my second coupled Valentine in my life, and like the first one, the pressures associated with Pleasing Your Man are way more nerve-wracking than being single. For example, I bought my first Valentine a houseplant after we’d been dating for a month my senior year of college. A houseplant. That was the best thing I could come up with after I practically had a panic attack in the garden section of a Meijers. An unattached woman doesn’t have to worry about finding the appropriate gift for the status of her particular relationship, or how they’re going to actually pay for a $75 prix fixe menu, or whether he got some horrible nightmare jewelry because he’s been bombarded with those goddamn Kay’s commercials every 45 seconds. She also doesn’t need to buy a chainsaw to hack through the winter pelt she’s been growing on her legs since Christmas (…hmn….just me then?). A girl without a date can kick back, put on a Veronica Mars marathon and some disgusting sweatpants, and order a heart-shaped pizza, which is how I wish I spent every Valentine’s Day. Nay, every day.

3) Think about all the hot sex you’ll be having…with yourself! As couples struggle into their new harnesses or grimace over their new flavored lubes (do any of those ever taste like something a human should have in his/her mouth?) during their Mandatory Holiday Sexual Encounter, a single woman has the luxury of boning or not boning herself to her hearts content, and in exactly the same boring way she always does, if that’s her fancy. And she doesn’t even have to take off her sweatpants!

4) Remember all the love you actually have in your life. Ho ho! I just got real up in here. BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS, remember how awesome it was in elementary school, when we all decorated our shoeboxes with glitter hearts and pink construction paper, then delivered everyone in our class their very own Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Secret Of The Ooze card? It was awesome because everyone loves getting Valentines, even if they aren’t from their Secret Future Boyfriends. Given that it’s already February 14, a girl might think it’s too late to make or mail any out. Au contraire! It’s never too late to spread the love. Check out the ghetto paper heart cards that Crushable has made for this occassion. Email your mom a photo of you with Happy VDay! Scribble on it in Microsoft Paint, and see if that woman doesn’t cry. Get your dog a Valentine’s Day pet treat, and don’t worry if he doesn’t give you something in return, because you decide how you feel on Valentine’s Day (also, he’s a dog and doesn’t know how to get to Kay’s). Even if you are dateless, even if you have never ever had a maybe Valentine, you still have more love in your life than two tickets to Gnomeo and Juliet could ever represent (not that I would complain about said tickets being delivered unto me IS ALL I’M SAYING). If that still doesn’t work, just remember that Valentine’s Day is truly, purely, unchangingly a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make us buy stuff. Are you going to let Hallmark run this town tonight? I don’t think so.
(Photo by TheSaltyGirl)

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    • Rachel Tbomb

      ahahaha …. I was talking about teenage mutant ninja turtles v-cards the other day… haahahah