Dear Cat Lady,
I’m sending you a picture of my kitten, Fazoola, dressed up as a heart (complete with pumping blood!), because Valentine’s Day is coming up… and I have Valentine’s Day problems (besides all the fake blood staining my couch). I looked at my boyfriend’s browser history, and all Google-shopping-signs point to him planning to celebrate our love by buying me… a blender. A blender! It’s like he has some sick fantasy of me whipping up his protein powders in the morning – but let me tell you, I have more self-respect than that. How can I convince me to buy him something that I actually want?
Not Willing to Whip It
Dear Whip It,
Have you ever seen a cat get its way? Say, for example, that you’ve hidden its favorite catnip chew toy on top of the refrigerator. Does the cat whine in front of the fridge, making pathetic, futile jumps up towards the inaccessible place, as if it’s the refrigerator’s fault, not yours, that the toy is out of reach? No way – that type of behavior is strictly for the dogs.
Instead, the cat will sit equidistant between you and the fridge, and it will stare. It will stare nearly expressionlessly, except that when it stares at you, a whiff of contempt and loathing is communicated by a slight curl of the lip. And when it switches to staring at the top of the refrigerator, the cat’s expression will convey sadness along with a deep communication with the catnip toy, as if saying, “At last I have found you, you who alone understand the despicable nature of this human here, this Taker of Catnip and Destroyer of Joy.”
After about fifteen minutes of that alternating stare, you’re helpless. You try to argue, but saying things like “The only reason I took it away is that last time you gnawed on it, you threw up in each of my shoes” has no effect. At last, you get the catnip down and give it to the cat, only to make that silent stare go away.
I suggest that you apply this technique – which, by the way, is the reason that department stores such as Bergdoff’s have cafes. Suggest a cup of coffee with Mr. Protein Powder, and start staring at whatever Valentine’s present you desire. Even better – smuggle in Fazoola and hide her catnip toy in the jewelry case or handbag department or wherever your present-to-be is located. He’ll be helpless against your combined “cat negotiation.”
And tell him to buy some rhinestones for me, deary!
The Cat Lady