• Mon, Jan 31 2011

Romancing The Bone: How To Plan For Period Sex. Period.

As if sex wasn’t already physically and mentally complicated enough, here’s another twist: once a month women find themselves dealing with cramps, fatigue and, most annoyingly, a steady flow of super-stain-causing liquid flowing out of us like the mighty Mississippi. Seriously, we might as well have blueberry juice coming out of there, based on how many pairs of pajama pants I’ve had to toss out.

The great mystery of our lady times, however, is that while some of us can’t wait to curl up under a pile of Motrin bottles and Almond Joy wrappers and sleep for one thousand years during that time, some ladies hit their peek horniness while riding on the cotton pony. Which begs the question: is sexing on your period worth it? The answer comes down to a girl’s willingness to put in a little elbow grease and pre-sex prep…or how badly she wants to get it on.

However, just because we’ve all ruined untold pairs of cute undies that we just got at Target, that does not mean we have to ruin a night of hot boning with worries about our periods. To that end, were are some thoughts for any girl planning a night of passion and romance — and stain-free sheets.

1) It doesn’t really matter: While some guys (and girls) might react to news that their girl is surfing the crimson wave like they just opened a glove compartment full of scorpions, they are in the vast minority. A majority of people will already be so jazzed at the idea of having sex, they will take it in stride. Sure, not everyone is going to be Kids In the Hall’s “Man With A Good Attitude Toward Menstration” (Youtube it; you will be glad you did). However, most people are going to interpret the news by following the girl’s lead. If you are hunched over on the futon clutching a hot water bottle and weeping, chances are no one will argue when you say you’re not in the mood for love. However, if you’re game, a large percentage of guys will be down to earn their red badge of courage. Which brings me to my next point…

2) Get a towel fit for ruining: Why we humans insist on having everything nice made out of pale or patterned fabric, despite all the various discoloring liquids we having coming out of us, is beyond me. This is particularly true for bath towels. A girl might want a nice set of buttercup yellow towels 99% of the time, but it’s that other 1% that will make you wish you had something nice and dark-colored to lay on other than your roommate’s My Chemical Romance sweatshirt (Just kidding; everyone please avoid bleeding on your roommates’ belongings). If a woman demands baby blue sheets from Bed Bath & Beyond, she had better throw a midnight blue towel into the cart as well. Might I suggest a nice eggplant or forest green, perhaps? Alternately, you can always use plain white everything; just bleach those suckers until they cry tiny towel. Anything else is just a fool’s game.

3) Shower sex: is it worth it? Doing it in the shower whilst a lady is on her lady times always seems like a great option…until she finds herself actually doing it. Maybe it’s just me, but between the slipperiness of the footholds, the confined space, the likelihood that the stall will be disgusting (particularly true if it’s in a college dorm) (which, if so, girl, take that business to your room), shower sex is just like battling aliens or traveling through time: best left in the movies. No matter how hot it might seem to begin with, halfway through the deed both partners want to lie down on a night warm bed. Which brings me to my final point…

4) Exploring the options: Just because Aunt Flo is in town doesn’t mean intercourse is off the table, but if a couple is afraid of reenacting the prom scene in Carrie whilst naked, might I gently remind them that there are plenty of other acts they can get themselves into? For the most part a girl can just slap a tampon in there and be all set for a night that doesn’t end with cursing and a water-hydrogen peroxide soak. If a girl is interested in having intercourse, she should try to steer away from anything acrobatic, lest her roommate get even more angry with her. Good old missionary can be good for containing the spillage. Then again, if a couple is okay with a bit of a crime scene situation (and, again, have that towel on hand) then they can get creative. Red wings ain’t just a hockey team in Detroit, ifyouknowwhatI’msaying?

So whether a woman prefers to curl up into a little ball on the couch and watch Community while on her period, or finds herself feeling randier than ever, the most important thing to remember is that orgasms can actually help soothe menstrual cramping. Is there anything those wonders can’t do? My answer: No.

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    scrotum my jugs