• Mon, Jan 31 2011

5 Tips For Your College Sex Life That Are More Important Than Blowjobs

Sex shop Babeland is holding a New York seminar this month called “Oral Sex Tips for College Students.” Which is just confusing to us. Do college kids need different blowjob tips? Also, why is this so age-specific? Is there a special kind of BJ you can only give if you live in a dorm room? Maybe the description will clear things up:

We’ll give you cunnilingus and fellatio tips to ensure that your partner gives you an A+ on your Valentine’s Day oral exam. Pick up tips to keep things slippery, and tricks to coordinate your hand and mouth techniques.

Oh, A+, oral exam…just like in college! Now we get it. Still, we think there are much more sex tips that are more applicable to college students than “give good head.” Like:

Never have sex in your roommate’s bed. Or switch your sheets with your roommate after you have sex on your own bed. We don’ know how, but they’ll always find out.

Having sex with your RA is a bad idea. Having sex with your RA’s ex-boyfriend is an even worse one, because it leads to really scary, passive-aggressive notes written on your door’s dry-erase board. Also, these people have the authority to call the dean and rat you out for smoking pot in your room. Also? They might be crazy (your RA, not her ex) and you’ll end up having to talk her down after she starts cutting large bald spots in her hair in the coed bathroom because “No one will ever find her attractive anymore so why even bother.” (This is just common RA stuff you need to know, and not in any way based on a traumatic freshman year experience I had.)

You have to have sex in the library stacks during finals if you want to graduate. Dems da rules.

Despite what you may have learned from Saved By the Bell: The College Years, you still might not be allowed to have sex with a professor even if you drop his class. Not fair! But sometimes you are. So check your student guidebook before asking for “extra credit” from your intense-yet-vulnerable “Godard and Cinema” teacher.

Art kids can be as big of gossipy douchebags as their frat boy cousins. Just because he cuts himself for his art doesn’t mean he won’t tell your entire class that you like anal. Ok. You’ve been warned!

Share This Post:
  • Kait

    Confession hour: I was an RA. I never had sex with a resident, but senior year, my ex-boyfriend was my resident. I never wrote passive aggressive notes on his door, but I did drunkenly tear down all the signs and door tags I had taken time to put up because his housemate poured a drink on me. Boys are mean.

  • BritSux

    What about this one: Never have sex while someone’s roommate is in the room!

    Even if you think the person is asleep. S/he is never really asleep.