• Fri, Jan 28 2011

Lost In Translation: I Thought These Benefits Were Supposed To Be Friendly?

Whatever happened to the amicable one night stand between friends? Almost everyone at my school is down with starting up a friends with benefits situation. But when it ends, the girls I know don’t seem so willing to let go.

In the campus cesspool of let-your-freak-flag-fly one night stands, sticky-icky morning afters, and a whole lotta boarder-line welcomed (and unwelcomed) molestation on sweaty dance floors, friendships are… open to much more interpretation than I assume they are in the “real world.”

Not that sex for the very sake of sex is limited to the college curriculum. After all, No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits are currently gracing our silver screens with enough awkward love — no, like —making for pubescent boys and their long, frequent showers. But in college there just seems to be a shared acceptance that a nice quickie in the upstairs bathroom isn’t going to be all that consequential.

Best friends should probably be avoided in this instance — and often are — but close-quartered clumsy rendezvous with everyday friends happen rather frequently and are usually nothing more than a funny shout-out during drunk brunch or liquid lunch the next day. And given that I go to a relatively small school where the social circle is even smaller, I don’t understand how people ever become seriously territorial about their friends, and who someone is or isn’t allowed to sleep with. I especially don’t get why this gang mentality holds so much weight with girls. You’re not protecting anyone…wouldn’t it maybe be possible that if you liked me, then your friend might actually like me as well? And if they like me, doesn’t it make you a better friend to just MOVE ON?

Now, I’ve been on the receiving end of this blow to the ego. But it was within a week of me no longer being welcome in a girl’s room that I found her in the next room over playing a midday game of pin the penis on the whore with one of my close friends. I’m not looking for a late night wrestling match with your roommate a few days after you slap me and call me a jackass. But to hold a grudge an entire semester later? When we’ve both slept with other people? Seems a lil’ much. Did you honestly think that when we broke up — not even broke up! When we no longer drunkenly kept each other awake into the wee hours of the morning — that you were going to somehow convince all of your friends to not be friends with me? To ignore me on campus? To throw me dirty looks whenever I was talking to another girl? This is college. I was friends with them before we locked out your roommate that night oh so long ago.

I’m sorry, but there just aren’t that many people in college. Nowhere near enough that not crossing each other’s sexual paths is even somewhat realistic. The faster you move on, the sooner we’ll all be able to enjoy the few remaining months left of college. Hell, I’ll text you my roommate’s number if that helps.

Share This Post:
  • Lainey

    Michael, you crack me up but be nice to the girls. They can’t help if they find you irresistible. Remember, you too will be hit with the love bug at some point in your life and you will feel badly for any past questionable behavior. Unfortunately you won’t understand what I mean until it happens to you. I probably won’t be around to say “i told you so”, but I hope if it happens you will hear my voice in your head! Try hard not to be a typical douche bag boy. You will be rewarded for that I promise!!