• Fri, Jan 28 2011

‘Jersey Shore’ And Sex: A Child’s Primer

For all the talk about sex and smushing on the Jersey Shore, these 8 guidettes are surprisingly vanilla when it comes to their sex life. In last night’s episode, the boys found out that Deena likes to toss Dean‘s salad, which is something they know because their barber tells them? And Dean goes to the same barber? God, even the straight hairdressers in this world are such gossips.

Anyway, this sexual act so thoroughly befuddles Ronnie, Mike, Vinny, and Pauly D. that they literally do not know how to process the information. Ron tries to tell the cameras but keeps laughing. Mike says he will never share a cigarette with Deena again (ooh, lung cancer burn!), Pauly and Vinny (they are really interchangeable at this point) go “Okay” and “Not our jacuzzi!” respectively. Which is so weird because these are the kids that all need Valtrex to keep their cold sores minimized during shooting, right? Who are they to judge what is and what isn’t acceptable behavior?

Going back 3 seasons, it’s easy to make a list of what does and does not qualify for appropriate sexual conduct in this mixed-up, crazy house of homophobia.

Acceptable Behavior
- Sex (male vs female)
-Smushing
-Threesome (male vs female vs female)
-Crying
- Dancing On A Stripper Pole (male or female)
- Sex In Bathroom
-Sex in Jacuzzi
-Spanking (male to female only)
-Having sex in the same room as your bro
-Making out with drag queens (if they are super-passable)
- Kissing someone of the same sex (girls only)

Not Acceptable Behavior
-Salad Tossing (male or female)
-Gay Shit
- Punching (male to female)

Ambiguous
-Blowjobs
-Foreplay
- Punching (female to male only)
-Throwing up

Am I missing anything?

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