The Decorating Guide That Would Explain Your Dorm Room Style To Your Mother

Take a look at your room. It is a mess. What’s going on here? This place looks like Bed Bath and Beyond threw up all over floor. It is definitely time to add your own personal “fun-shui” style into this place!

Let’s start where you sleep. Your bed should be a peaceful place. Deflate your mattress, move it away from the window that faces the highway and into the closet. Then re-inflate it, if you still have the pump. If not, I’m sorry, I should have told you you will need that air pump again. See if you can borrow your roommate’s.

Now look at all that extra room you have! Decide which corner will be your “clothes corner.” Then put all your clothes there. The other three corners of your room will be your “papers” corner (for all your paper), your sex/computer corner (usually the corner with the most outlets), and your “free zone.” You can do whatever you want in your free zone, except get dressed, sleep, masturbate, or read.

Actually, that’s your eating corner.

Now it’s time to spruce things up. Throw all your clothes around because mom isn’t here to tell you to clean it up. But don’t let your clothes fall outside of the designated clothes corner.

Art! You need art. I suggest printing out fun stuff you found on the Internet that week, like LOLcats or LOLdogs or pornography, and just getting some nails and hammering them into your wall. Oh, you will need a hammer for that part.

If you are wondering what I meant by a “Paper Corner,” don’t worry! Remember all that mail you’ve been getting from student loan agencies and the electricity people? Those go in the trash. The paper you keep in your paper corner are stuff like Taco Bell receipts, pages of old newspaper that you like to step on with dirty boots, pornography, and other pictures you find on the Internet. Once in awhile, it is okay to have sex in the paper corner. But always with a partner, and only if you have been doing a lot of drugs.

Anything else? Oh yes, the middle of the room is where you sit down, and where you keep your bong and those dirty boots when you are not stepping on paper. This is normally where one would keep condoms, but you aren’t using them anymore.

At the end of the night, crawl into your clothes pile, reach over and turn on your vibrator, and fall asleep next to your plastic cup that you keep all your cigarette butts in.

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    • Cruising

      ha ha

      nobody puts student loan bills in a paper corner