This column frequently deals with the embarrassing moments that arise in our collective, fumbling journey towards Sexy Times. What, really, could be more humiliating then farting during sex? Well, except for pooping during sex, which hopefully is not a huge problem for our readers. (If it is, girl, leave it in the comments!)
But at some point in her life, almost every woman will find herself having an awesome time with a man or woman she likes very much in bed. Without warning, from beneath the comforter, she will issue a depth charge of intense auditory and/or olfactory power, and there is no way to pretend that it was just the mattress springs squeaking, or a garbage barge floating nearby. That girl will pray for death, but death will not come. What will come instead, I hope, is the understanding that, to paraphrase the children’s book, everybody farts, especially during sex.
As we are all aware by being alive and ladies and members of society, there is a lot of cultural drama surrounding girls and anything poo-gas related. Anything booty-centric that isn’t directly related to the kind of shorts or popping in music videos is thought of as patently unfeminine, as if we all aren’t just large hairless apes like men are. In a broader sense, women are asked to be in total control of their bodies at all times in many ways, whether it’s the amount of hair on their parts, the pounds on their frame, or the quantity of swamp gas exiting their body. If a girl isn’t strictly monitoring these factors, then clearly she must not be living up to the lady standard. The problem with this type of thinking becomes eminently clear once we realize that sex is one of the places in our lives where it is truly at it’s best when we completely lose control.
So what do you do then when a girl finds herself inflagranti delicto after a long day at the chili cook-off? When a woman is having good sex, she’s going to be pretty relaxed, and thus she enters the danger zone. Obviously (I hope!) if a lady finds herself about to release the Kraken, so to speak (note: everyone, please start use this phrase to describe farts post haste), and someone’s face in anywhere near her butt, she needs to have her partner evacuate the area immediately. IMMEDIATELY. This is true during any sexy business that constitutes foreplay. She should leave the room if need be, even if it is completely obvious why she is doing it. Rather make your motivations clear than force everybody have to breathe through their mouth for a few minutes, I insist.
On the other hand, sometimes you’ve just got to let go and let it be. This might be the case when actual intercourse has already started, or when one or both of you is about to release the Leviathan (note: everyone, please start use this phrase to describe orgasms). The human body is at this point like a fire hose: once you lose control of it, it’s going to spray everywhere and some firefighters might need to be called. So what’s the worst case scenario if she cuts the cheese? The girl breaks wind, an overwhelming stench fills the room, and her partner immediately throws up and vows never to talk to her ever again? Luckily for all of us, that is almost certainly not going to happen.
Once a woman has farted during an intimate moment, she faces one of two options: silently pretend the fart didn’t happen while attempting to sublimate straight through the mattress onto the floorboard, or acknowledge it out loud. I THINK YOU KNOW WHICH ONE I’M GOING TO RECOMMEND. A quick “Oh, man. Sorry!” is all anyone needs to move on. A fart was released; no one’s genitals shriveled up and fell off. We’ve made it through!
The reality is, 99% of people are so happy to be having sex with someone they’re attracted to, it’s going to take way more than a fart to turn them off. Let’s be real: farts are gross, but they AREN’T that gross. A lady would have to have a seeping head wound before most men would kick her out of bed for eating crackers, and even then a lot of them would just find her a hat to wear. Eventually a girl will find herself in bed with a man or woman she likes very much, and from beneath the comforter she will issue that same depth charge, and suddenly she’ll find herself rolling around with her partner, screaming and laughing. That is how she will know she is in a relationship. Until then, women should play it cool and try not to stress too much about the miracles our bodies are capable of producing. If that still doesn’t work, get a dog. Everyone will always believe it was the dog.
(Photo by Motifake)