• Mon, Jan 17 2011

The Real Housewives Of Atlanta Foodcap: The Tour Bus From Hell

Woah, guys. Shit went down last night on The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Kim Zolciak and Kandi Buress are on tour, which involves a tour bus designed to make people want to kill each other. And someone (possibly Kim?) decided to add NeNe Leakes to this hot box for awhile. What does that mean? Cat fights.

Kim and NeNe’s friendship: RIP.

Scene: Kim wakes up to her own song
Food: Cigarettes, B-12
Kim makes her assistant Sweetie use Tardy for the Party as her ringtone. And then gets mad when it wakes her up? Wow. Being a personal assistant is rough, but Kim takes it to a whole new level. Kim’s also making Sweetie inject her with B-12, which is just asking for a bloody fiasco on that tour bus right soon.

Also, Kim’s cigarette addiction is everyone else’s problem. Because she makes the driver stop every 30 minutes to smoke.

Scene: Cynthia and Sheree visit Phaedra
Food: Chicken salad, lemonade, fruit salad

The girls came by to see Phaedra’s baby Aiden. And it all went well! Until Aiden puked on Cynthia’s boobs. Oops!

Scene: The Georgia Pig
Food: Cigarettes, lots of pork products, wine

Kim doesn’t eat meat, and is not pleased that the tour bus has stopped at this shack that serves only roasted meats. So she does what any Atlana housewife would do in her situation:

“I’m gonna go get some wine.”

She decides to do this on some lawn chairs next to the tour bus. And elicits this response from her hairdresser:

“You look like a damn slave master on a damn plantation.”

Onward!

Scene: Cynthia and Peter discuss their wedding
Food: An empty skillet

Cynthia comes home as Peter is preparing dinner. But he never gets to that, because he explains to her that he has closed his restaurant Uptown. Which means they have no money. And probably can’t have this wedding they’d been planning.

You know, for awhile, it seemed like Cynthia was just manufacturing drama about this wedding. But now Peter’s kind of being an ass.

Scene: Cynthia has lunch with NeNe
Food: wine, sandwiches
They’re talking about Cynthia’s wedding, and it’s actually starting to sound like Cynthia has some reasons to not have this thing. Or at least postpone it. Except she’s too deep in to realize it.

Scene: Breakfast with Phaedra and Apollo
Food: Eggs, guilt

Who would have thought it? Phaedra actually likes spending time with her child. And apparently, Apollo doesn’t exist to be a really hot manny in her life. He has a 9-5 job! Also, Phaedra had to remind him that she’s a better mom than him. Hopefully?

Scene:  Kim and Kandi take a break at a hotel
Food: Wine, cigarettes

Kim and Kandi have rolled into a real hotel to get ready for their next stop on the tour. And NeNe has joined them for the Orlano show before they have a girls weekend in Miami. She came to help Kim prepare in her room. Which mostly involved Kim trying on different outfits and NeNe doing eye rolls:

“She didn’t even open a can of tuna, but she can open some wine.”

Priorities people!

Scene: Kim and Kandi’s tour bus
Food: Orange juice, pastries, bananas, water

Something is decidedly wrong with this tour bus. NeNe gets on the bus for all of five minutes and starts picking fights with Kim. From the editing, it looks like NeNe missed her meds. But who knows?

For some reason, NeNe was ribbing Kim during her TV interview with Jermaine Dupri, and Kim didn’t like that at all. After enduring Kim mock her singing career for awhile, Kim responded:

“You’re an intern at 11 Alive.”

Uhoh! NeNe didn’t like that. And she is rising up. With fists. Kim’s incredulous:

“What are you gonna do, strangle me?”

Um, yes. In fact, she would like to. Unfortunately, a fight on this bus would likely topple the whole thing over.

That crisis was averted, but Kim is done here:

“As soon as she got off that seat, I knew that our friendship was over.”

Kim decides to get over this fight with the ultimate icebreaker: a cigarette. But they can’t stop because there are everglades and there are alligators out there! So NeNe takes to prayer:

“Please forgive me lord for having to be on this bus…Being around people who are pure trash. Lord, please try to protect me, and keep me away from this trash.”

“Is this a real prayer?” Don Juan wants to know.

Um, shut up Don Juan. You won’t like NeNe when she turns on YOU.

Scene: Phaedra, Cynthia and Sheree drive down to Miami
Food: Water, unsuspecting women

The ladies are ready to relax. Phaedra is ready to be away from her baby:

“This is going to be a nice relaxing weekend.”

Hahahaha. Famous last words!

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