• Tue, Jan 11 2011

Crushable’s Cat Lady: Long Distance Relationships Are For Birds Other Than Me

Dear Cat Lady,

I hope you like the pictures of frolicking kittens that I sent you, because you certainly don’t want to see a picture of me! I don’t know why, but I’m really, really not photogenic. Every picture turns out looking like the mug shot of a crazed carnival barker with lipstick. So that’s a general life problem, but the specific problem is that my boyfriend is spending the semester abroad and wants me to Skype with him! I’ve avoided the issue so far, but he’s getting suspicious. How can I keep him from running into the arms of foreign hotties when he sees my Skype-born monstrosity?

Love,
Contemplating Bag Headism

Dear Bag Headism,

A long distance relationship is a complicated thing. At least, that’s what I tell my cats whenever they want to go outside. How could I cuddle them if they were romping about on my neighbors’ rooftops? Especially since, after the completion of their magnificent Yarn Palace, they have everything they could want or need right inside my house: food, shelter, French lessons, etc.

Thus, my first piece of advice would be to break up with this boyfriend of yours. He’s showing way too much affinity for places other than that space right by your side, and that doesn’t bode well for his long-term potential as a provider for you and your cats.

But I can just see you replying “but I love him!”right now, so let’s see.  How can you overcome your problem without a breakup? Well, this reminds me of the one time that Didums kept scratching himself. Scratch, scratch, scratch all day. Turned out that he was allergic to Mr. Right Number 2 – so guess who got divorced? That’s right, yours truly. Didums was just fine as soon as the allergen packed up his things and moved, but in order to apply soothing cream directly to his skin, the vet had to shave him.

And let me tell you – a cat without fur is just about as attractive as an all-you-can-eat buffet without shrimp cocktail. Seeing Didums like that made me question my whole devotion to cats. Fortunately, her fur and her cuteness soon grew back.

So if you’re not ready to ditch this guy, why not invest in a thick pelt of artificial fur? It’ll hide your non-photogenic features, and maybe your boyfriend is into that sort of thing!

Love and scratches,
The Cat Lady

Dear Cat Lady;

I hope you like the pictures of frolicking kittens that I’m sending to you, because you certainly don’t want to see a picture of me! I don’t know why, but I’m really, really not photogenic. Every picture turns out looking like the mug shot of a crazed carnival barker with lipstick. So that’s a general life problem, but the specific problem is that my boyfriend is spending the semester abroad and wants me to Skype with him! I’ve avoided the issue so far, but he’s getting suspicious. How can I keep him from running into the arms of foreign hotties when he sees my Skype-born monstrosity?

Love,

Contemplating Bag Headism

Dear Contemplating Bag Headism;

A long distance relationship is a complicated thing. At least, that’s what I tell my cats whenever they want to go outside. How could I cuddle them if they were romping about on my neighbors’ rooftops? Especially since, after the completion of their magnificent Yarn Palace, they have everything they could want or need right inside my house: food, shelter, French lessons, etc.

Thus, my first piece of advice would be to break up with this boyfriend of yours. He’s showing way too much affinity for places other than right by your side, and that doesn’t bode well for his long-term potential as a provider for you and your cats.

But I can just see you replying “but I love him!” So how can you overcome your problem without a breakup? Well, this reminds me of the one time that Didums kept scratching himself. Scratch, scratch, scratch all day. Turned out that he was allergic to Mr. Right Number 2 – so guess who got divorced? That’s right, yours truly. Didums was just fine as soon as the allergen packed up his things and moved, but in order to apply soothing cream directly to his skin, the vet had to shave him.

And let me tell you – a cat without fur is just about as attractive as an all-you-can-eat buffet without shrimp cocktail. Seeing Didums like that made me question my whole devotion to cats. Fortunately, her fur and her cuteness soon grew back.

So, why not invest in a thick pelt of artificial fur? It’ll hide your non-photogenic features, and maybe your boyfriend is into that sort of thing!

Love and scratches,

The Cat Lady

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