• Mon, Jan 10 2011

Romancing The Bone: No Really, Blowjobs Are Sex

As girls begin to explore the boner-filled wonderland that is Human Sexuality, they will eventually run into a discrepancy between our society’s definition of what constitutes sex and the large variety of activities people watch on RedTube with the sound off. That is to say, many people do not consider oral sex to be “real” or “actual” sex. Not me though! As a result of this pervasive idea, many young women (and men) might invest in a pair of quality knee-pads, but would never dream of counting a mouth-lover as a full sexual partner. And that’s an idea I take umbrage with!

So is a blowjob or muff-diving really sex? O man, yes.  A thousand times yes! Maybe I just have a bee in my bonnet (note to self: stop constantly wearing bonnets), but it’s hard for me to comprehend why anyone who has received oral sex would not consider it to be sex. It’s got that same great sex feeling! It’s even more baffling to me why anyone who has ever GIVEN ORAL SEX wouldn’t think it was sex. Guys, of course it is! I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here!

Oral sex is just as much sexing as intercourse because it is as emotionally-fraught and risky (disease-wise) as full-on boning, and with it comes the responsibilities to oneself and others that intercourse requires.

And not only can I loudly insist that oral is sex, but I have the facts to prove it.

Fact #1: Oral sex involves naked wieners or vaginas, a hallmark of many people’s sexual experiences.

Fun Fact #2: Oral sex requires said sexy parts be touched by the hands and/or mouth of someone other than the owner of said genitals.

Fun Fact #3:  Call me new-fashioned, but if somebody gets bodily fluids in or around their body, then they just had sex with someone else (or are near someone with amazing reach/aim). The defense rests, your honor!

Which is not to say there is no distinction between intercourse and going down on someone. For example, blowjobs and eating a hot boxed lunch at the Y (please someone email me some tolerable cunnilingus euphemisms for future columns) have the beautiful benefit of not getting you pregnant. How great is that?!?! (Answer: very, very great). Maybe I’m a hypochondriac or I just watch too much TLC, but I am personally convinced I am pregnant all the time. Watching my face as I view I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant is like watching The Exorcist, what with the screaming and gnashing of teeth I’m doing. So it’s nice to be able to sit back, relax and not having to pick out baby names for your phantom fetus.

If a girl finds herself dealing with the same level of pregnant-terror (or, you know, a more normal amount), oral sex is a shining beacon of awesomeness that, despite what you may have heard in fourth grade, cannot get you pregnant. Ah yes, oral sex offers all the good times of intercourse, but few of the negative aspects.

Until you get gonorrhea of the throat. Ugh! That exists! (My mom was a nurse!) Also, it is truly disgusting and horrible to think about, which is one reason I vote that we begin talking about oral sex as the full, valid sexual experience it is. By valuing intercourse overall, it gives the impression that only one specific form of boning is “real,” as in “valid” or “worth getting an STD test form,” which is patently false.

Of course, there will be a section of the population that will be hesitant to lump oral sex buddies in with their sexy-sex partners because, well, THERE IS A LOT MORE they don’t want to cop to. Which is why I’d also like to have a moratorium on the entire concept of someone’s number. Not because my own is so staggeringly high (I wish!) or devastatingly low (I wish!), but because it’s an arbitrary number that neither reflects someone’s moral character or (let’s be honest) how good they will be in the sack. Throwing one or two or 20 more names on the Sex Pile doesn’t make anyone a slut. Slut is a Middle English word for  “a dirty, untidy, or slovenly woman,” and honey, I wrote this column in my pajamas at 3:00pm.

Okay, so in the end, what is the moral of my insane rambling? Why should we care if oral sex gets the full-sex treatment? Because we should choose intercourse as The One True Sex, when it is only one facet of an awesome sex life.  Both intercourse and beejs can be deeply intimate and personal, or something you do because the cable’s out, and sometimes both within a ten -minute time span! Physically and emotionally speaking, the only difference is that intercourse can get you knocked up, and let’s be honest, most of us are actively trying to prevent that from happening any time soon. So f a women isn’t comfortable with P-in-V yet, then she should go ahead, put on a crown from Burger King and declare herself Blow Job Queen. But hey society, let’s not fool ourselves into thinking that blowjobs do not constitute Sex With A Capital XXX mentally and orgasmically. Doing otherwise just spreads confusion and herpes simplex 2.

(Photo by MajorIsh)

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  • Matthew

    In fairness, you look amazing in a bonnet.

  • sJA

    “phantom fetus” = priceles

    • JA

      priceless*

  • Jamie

    I do not think any girl goes around after her first beej saying she lost her virginity. It’s just not the same (talking about straight ppl only, obvs). There should, however, be a corollary that if someone asks if you “had sex” with someone (and you only blew them) you may say no, but you must also add “but I blew him.” I think that’s fair.

  • Psychokittyd

    (this is part of a conversation i had on another website about the same subject) well what i am stating is that just because something is sexual and has the word “sex” next to it, does NOT make it sex. Sure, if you wanna follow the crowd and just put everything sexual in a big ol’ box and label it “SEX” feel free to do so. But most of the people i know that have had experienced oral don’t consider it a loss of virginity. To me, if you don’t lose your virginity from it, it’s not necessarily sex. And there is no such thing as “MOUTHGENITY”. If there was a such thing as a mouthgenity it would be lost the first time something sexual went into your mouth, and that means you would’ve lost your “mouthgenity” from being breastfed, since breasts are seen as sexual to some. Obviously,
    not everything sexual is sex. Kissing can be sexual to some, and its not sex. Hugging can be sexual to some, and its not sex. Rubbing someone else genitals to achieve arousal can be sexual (most likely IS sexual), and it’s not sex. If you rub someone’s bare genitals and then touch your bare genitals without washing your hand(s) and/or mouth there is a slight chance you can get an STI/STD. That doesn’t make hand jobs sex. Most people I know consider the first time they had vaginal intercourse as the time they lost their virginity. NOT the first time they had oral sex. A doctor would consider someone who has participated in hand jobs/fingering as sexually active, but that doesn’t mean they had sex. i NEVER stated that oral sex or anal sex was not sexual, i merely stated that it wasn’t sex. Once you start considering everything sexual to be sex, that’s when the extremists get their leeway to say that touching is sex, masturbation is sex, kissing is sex, as long as it has the possibility to cause some kind of arousal it’s sex. And just because you have a dictionary definition for something and a wikipedia definition for something doesn’t make it right (BTW wikipedia is user edited and unreliable) because dictionaries update the meanings for words every few years or so. For instance, if the common public started using the word “sky” to mean jello, the dictionaries would have to add another meaning to the word sky. that doesn’t mean that that’s what the word “sky” was originally intended to mean, and that doesn’t mean that’s what the word “sky” really means. A lot of words are like that (but I’m not going to get into that long boring conversation). So that’s why i disagree. What I’m saying is that just because something is sexual in nature and defined to be sex by the common public, doesn’t make it sex. If the common public started saying that touching people and kissing was sex, the dictionaries would have to start saying that kissing and touching is sex. This is an extreme belief, but i know there are plenty of people who believe that kissing is sex. That doesn’t make it sex, and I’m not a mindless zombie as to where if someone told me that kissing was sex that i’d believe them. My beliefs are always made from logic and research, so I’m not the type to just say something without having an understandable reason behind it. Most people I know that say they “got laid” did NOT mean a blow job/ hand job. Maybe those things were included, but that’s not what they were stating. They were stating that they had VAGINAL intercourse and/or maybe anal. And no, I wasn’t stating that if an infertile woman had sex with a man that THAT wouldn’t be classified as sex. She had a loss of virginity, so it WAS sex. And MOST women can get pregnant from vaginal intercourse, so yes, it’s sex. And if a woman uses birth control of any kind, it’s still sex because there’s a loss of virginity. If you don’t lose virginity from it, it’s not sex. But maybe you have a different view on what virginity is, and that’s okay because everyone’s entitled to their own opinion. Maybe you don’t believe there is a such thing as virginity, and thats your opinion. But I don’t believe there is a such thing as a mouthgenity or that you can lose your virginity from having your genitals in another persons mouth (since the mouth isn’t really a sex organ), so I don’t believe there is a loss of virginity from oral, which leads me to my belief that oral sex is NOT sex. Neither is nose, armpit or foot sex. I really don’t even think anal is sex, but that’s another conversation that i don’t wanna get into right now. Also when i say “sex organ” I mean a bodily organ with the primary purpose to be used for vaginal sex/sexual reproduction. So when I say “sex organ” i mean: vagina, penis, vulva, scrotum, uterus, clitoris, testicles, etc. Sure other body parts can be used/stimulated in sex/sexual activity, but that doesn’t make them sex organs because that’s not one of their primary functions. I mean just because you hump a piano, have an orgasm and relase bodily fluids into/on it and call it “piano sex” does that really make it sex? And take mammary sex for example: if a man rubs his penis on a girl’s breasts and ejaculates and has an orgasm on them, does that make it sex? Sure it has sex in the title, but is that what people are really considering sexual intercourse nowadays? I mean if my friend came up to me and a group of friends and told us that they had sex last night, the first thing that would pop up into our brains is vaginal intercourse, not oral/anal/masturbation/handjob/fingering/mammary sex. I would think that most people who say they had sex meant vaginal unless they were LGBT, or else they would say what kind of other activity they did that was considered sexual. But they wouldn’t simply say the word “sex” unless they were talking about vaginal, unless they just wanted to confuse/trick everyone into thinking they had vaginal sex. I have yet to meet someone who says they had sex when they meant they participated in oral. you can get an STD or STI from a dirty needle, does that make getting a tattoo with a dirty needle “sexual intercourse”? i don’t think so. sure insertion happens during oral. but it also happens in ear sex and armpit sex and hand jobs and nose sex, and i think you have to be really stupid to consider any of those things sexual intercourse. if you can’t get pregnant it doesn’t really constitute as intercourse, it constitutes as sexual conduct and being sexually active. But not necessarily sexual intercourse. Just cuz somethings sexual doesn’t make it sex. Then in that case, masturbation could be considered sex if you use a blow up doll or a dildo. and i think thats kinda dumb and over the top. thats why im careful not to call everything sex just cuz its sexual or has the word “sex” in front of it. Just cuz something has a certain word in front of it doesn’t make it that thing, it just means it might be that thing, or it might be closely related to that thing.

    • psychokittyd

      also just because someone doesn’t wanna consider every sexual thing they did as sex doesn’t mean they’re trying to hide anything, it just means they have a certain definition for sex. i mean come on, just cuz a handjob might feel nice doesn’t make it sex at all. some people may find kissing very emotionally and physically intimate, but that doesn’t make it sex. and nudity doesn’t = sex. some people are nudists. some couples wander around their houses in the nude, doesn’t mean they’re having nonstop sex. some people bathe together. is that considered sex? NO! just because bodily fluids get on you doesn’t make it sex. urine and blood are bodily fluids, does that mean peeing in someone’s mouth (eww) or bleeding or sharing dirty needles with someone is sex? no and if you generalize everything like that and label every sexual activity “SEX” you’re bound to make mistakes somewhere.

  • Gary

    I’m just glad that anal sex doesn’t qualify as sex (or so I’ve heard). After all, what’s a little cornholing between friends?

  • Halle K

    Thank you Matthew! I like to think I have the head shape for it.

  • Passion Rutledge

    This is balderdash!!! Next thing u know, u’ll be claiming ANAL SEX is real sex ALSO!!! smfh. (sarcasm)

  • electrasteph

    Wow. Psychokittyd is really in denial, isn’t she? I hope oral sex counts, because the lack of any penis in my romantic relationship with my wife would mean that I’m still a virgin. And I haven’t logged all those hours diving for nothing, people. I’m just sayin’.

    • psychokittyd

      not in denial, just giving a logical explanation to what i believe. a mouth isn’t a sex organ. therefore how could someone lose their virginity from a mouth? in that case, handjobs would be sex too because they also cause pleasure. and kissing? that would be sex also because if the mouth is a sex organ that means your first kiss would be the same thing as fucking, i mean it would be “sex organ” to “sex organ”. which i don’t believe in the least. sure, oral is intimate, but a lot of things are. and i’m a firm believer in waiting til marriage to have sex. and just because you do something that has to do with a sex organ doesn’t make it sex either. just because something feels good doesn’t make it sex. eating a sandwich feels good. doesn’t make it sex. if you’re a lesbian or gay, oral sex can be sex. but not for straight people, i mean COME ON!! as Jamie previously stated, no (straight) girl goes around after her first blowjob telling her friends she lost her virginity. no one would realize she was talking about a bj, and it wouldn’t make sense. and no (straight) guy goes around after the first time he gave a girl head saying he lost his virginity. not everything sexual is sex to everyone.

    • psychokittyd

      if you think you’re not a virgin from oral, fine, that’s your opinion, i just have a strong opinion of my own on this topic. and im not saying that if you give a ton of oral sex to everyone, that that person isn’t whorish at all. also if you actually read what i said, you would see that it’s not some random bullshit from a person in denial, i actually have reasons to believe what i believe. i mean, if you think giving head somehow takes your virginity or if you think getting head takes your virginity, fine. you have a right to your own opinion. just don’t tell me i’m dumb for believing what i believe.

  • Alex

    I think the next topic the author of this should tackle is the “anal virgin” phenomenon

  • FFS

    SMH.

    The argument here isn’t what sex is, it’s what Virginity is, and when you lose it.

    Voltaire described virginity and it’s loss, although this is paraphrased, as the point at which ignorance and presupposition is met with knowledge and experience.

    In other words, Virginity is a term that varies from person to person. If you’re talking about Virginity from the perspective of Hymen rupturing, then yes usually Vaginal intercourse is the first time a woman loses her virginity, unless it was ruptured beforehand.

    If you define a hymen or a vagina being necessary to facilitate the loss of sexual virginity, that’s fine, but that’s a personal definition. Virginity by itself is the unknown element of a phenomenon to which you have not yet been exposed.

    So yes, there is such a thing as oral virginity, vaginal virginity, anal virginity, and so on, and so forth, ad nausem. With that settled, let’s settle on the argument of Sexual intercourse.

    What constitutes intercourse? Two people together acting in a manner which brings about sexual gratification. This can be an unwilling act, such as rape, an act with a minor, Paedophilia, or a fully consensual, happy relation between two people in love, or just two really horny strangers who meet at a bar.

    A kiss is not always sexual. But if you’re kissing for the sole purpose of heightened arousal which will (at lease in your eyes hopefully) Lead to some sort of sexual gratification, then it’s sexual. Sexuality lies in intent. If the act is between two people, and is meant to bring about an orgasm, it’s classified as a form of sexual intercourse. If it’s meant to bring about a state of arousal, it’s classified as a sexual act. The classification of sexual act also falls upon an intended, self-induced orgasm, through Masturbation or otherwise.

    Definitions clear, now? Good. Let’s stop arguing and go have our choice of a Hot Boxed lunch or a Banana Split.

    • psychokittyd

      well then based on that reasoning then handjobs would be sex also, but i seriously doubt that anyone considers that sex, also i don’t understand how people who say blow jobs are sex can be double standard by saying handjobs aren’t sex. and also, by your own definition, dry humping could be considered sex also. i think there should be one definition of sex for straight people, and LGBT people can have their own definition of sex. their definition of sex shouldn’t apply to straight people, and straight people’s definition shouldn’t apply to them. the loss of virginity for a LGBT person shouldn’t be considered a loss of virginity for a straight person. i mean yes, the original definition of virginity is the state of having no knowledge of something (in this case, sex) and in that case, having a sex ed class or reading a book about sex would cause the loss of your virginity. and also in that case a person could have a practically unlimited amount of virginities. but if people went by that definition i doubt hardly anyone past the age of 12 would be a sexual virgin anymore. what im talking about also, is what someone (straight) can do based on the idea of virginity and still be considered a virgin. and in my opinion, someone who has given a handjob, oral or anal sex is still a virgin. or at least a vaginal virgin. so therefore, that person would still have a right to call themselves a virgin. because if sexual intercourse for straight people constitutes as vaginal intercourse, then virginity couldn’t be lost unless one has had vaginal intercourse. they’d be a virgin to the straight person’s definition of sex, so therefore they’d be a sexual virgin.
      i mean it’s also based on what is considered “actual sex”. some people don’t consider oral, anal and handjobs to be sex. some people consider kissing to be sex. i mean, by your definition, hypothetically, if kissing brought a person to orgasm then it would be sex. so basically what you’re saying is that anything done between two people that brings someone purposely to orgasm is sex. well i have to disagree. i cannot in my right mind agree that dry humping is sex or that hand jobs, blowjobs, mammary sex or anal sex is sex. not to me at least. i have a strict straightforward idea of sex, and i don’t think that just because an activity that two people do brings someone to orgasm it constitutes sex. sex (for straight people) should have one definition. since sex is such a big topic, there should just be one thing that is considered sex and that’s it. same thing with a loss of sex virginity, there should only be one definition for it, and for straight people there should be only one way you can lose it, and you shouldn’t be able to lose it from a whole bunch of sexual things, just sex. that way people wouldn’t think that after they dry humped someone and came from it that they could go around and say they lost their virginity.

    • psychokittyd

      i think part of this is that people are so eager to lose their virginity that they call anything sexual “sexual intercourse” so they can say they lost their virginity. well by your (or Voltaire’s) definition everyone lost some kind of virginity before so in that case no one’s really a true virgin. But in that case, there would be absolutely no reason for anyone to call themselves a sex virgin if they knew what sex is. But most people don’t see virginity that way, everyone has their own definition, therefore i think it’s technically up to the person to determine whether they’re a virgin, although that doesn’t mean ill agree with that person or that i’ll apply their definition to myself. i have my opinions and reasons to believe such things and i’m sticking to them. the real problem is people pushing their idea of what sex and virginity is and isn’t on other people and trying to tell them they’re wrong.