It has come to my attention that some ladies do not appreciate being woken up by the man in their bed going to town on them. According to The Frisky:
“There’s something creepy and invasive about the idea of waking up with someone’s mouth or sex organ around our lady bits.”
To this I say: Perhaps you are doing it wrong? There is a term for this type of sexing in my bedroom. It is called burgling. And depending on the situation, it is an entirely welcome addition to the repertoire.
For me, there’s something sexy about being taken when I’m not expecting it. In the words of Withnail and I‘s Uncle Monty:
“I mean to have you. Even if it must be burglary!”
Hott. However. This is a delicate matter. Burglary is not for everyone. And there are some guidelines to remember in order to ensure you are not inadvertently assaulting your bed partner.
1. Before you engage in burglaring, make sure you have passed the toothbrush test.
Does your bed partner allow you to keep a toothbrush in his/her bathroom? No? Then chances are s/he does not want you initiating any sexing when s/he is asleep.
This isn’t really the kind of thing you do with someone you’ve just met/starting sleeping with. There needs to be a high level of trust. And you need to remember: burglaring is a privilege, not a right.
2. Try to get permission in advance.
Again, people have very strong opinions on being woken up by various sex acts happening to/around them. A conversation about such things is probably a good idea if you want to avoid offending/being slapped by your partner in the early morning hours.
3. Make sure your partner wakes up at some point.
Before you actually start copulating, make sure that your partner has regained consciousness. Getting woken up to a massage and kissing and gentle rubbing is different than waking up to someone on top and inside of you. There’s a fine line between acknowledged consent and rape here peeps.
4. Try to be appreciative of your partner’s schedule.
Personally, on a lazy Sunday I am much more open to getting burgled than when I know I have to be up at 6:30A and need every minute of sleep. At my house, burglaring on a weekday is generally forbidden.
5. Make it worthwhile for your partner.
Look, there’s almost nothing I like more than a good night’s sleep. If I am being gently woken up by my partner caressing me and kissing my body, those happy sleep endorphins get all mixed in with sexual feelings, and it’s pretty great. But getting woken up by a horny dude who will stop at nothing til he gets off? Worst.
Getting aggressively poked by your partner while your sleeping is precisely why this kind of thing has a bad rap. Be thoughtful, or be cut off from burglaring privileges. The end.