It’s officially 2011, lady-pantses. And with it comes 12 brand-spanking-new months to fill with deep romantic connection, unknown sexual ecstasy, or a Cathy tear-away day calendar that really picks up the highlights in your cats’ pelt! In my honest opinion, girls should let their own balls drop in 2011, and here to stave off that last vestige of end-of-vacation-panic are my helpful New Year resolutions. So stick them on the mini-fridge for reference as I offer guidance to aid you through the next year of dating and boning. Or through the next two weeks, whichever seems more doable.
1) Get Rejected
Look, any lady on a serious love and/or bone mission is going to be shut down hard at some point if she is really putting herself out there. It’s simply a statistical fact! For example, the gentleman at the receiving end of anyone’s romantic flirtation could be gay, a celibate clergy member, or simply uninterested. There’s no way to know if a guy is down to pound (ugh. Sorry?) without risking some minor amount of dejection and/or embarrassment. Yes, it might be the case for a while that, for every 5 conversations a girl starts about how great True Grit was (answer: very), 4 of them will end with the phrase “Yeah, my girlfriend said it was her favorite Jeff Bridges movie too” or “No, seriously, did you not just see me making out with my boyfriend for like 20 minutes?” However, it is only by putting her heart, ass and her heart’s ass on the line that a woman can truly earn her dating Purple Heart, and with it the whining rights that come with really actually trying and still ending up a spinster in
50 years. So let the humiliation commence!
2) Be A Pervert
Everyone and their second and thirds chin are vowing to hit the gym in January, but might I suggest you work out your kinks instead? As you venture further into your own sexual abyss (and/or further into the reaches of the internet) you might be discovering that you have sexual preferences that might be a little bit…unorthodox. This realization, while exciting and new, might also make you want to hide your face in your hands and die rather than suggest actually doing it to your boyfriend/girlfriend. Luckily for you, whether it’s being tied up or dressing up like Luke
Skywalker while riding a lover around the room like a taun-taun, chances are if it involves two consenting adults, somebody has already done it and live-blogged it. So have no fear! Ladies should let their freak flag fly in 2011 with somebody they feel comfortable getting weird with. I mean, these giant rabbit costumes aren’t going to have sex with themselves, am I right?
4) Date A Loser
OKAY, yes, this subtitle is an incendiary exaggeration. A girl should not date someone who drives around hitting mailboxes with a baseball bat (my personal definition of a loser). If he smashes a mailbox, what do you think he’ll do to a human heart? Smash it. What I am saying is, women should open their minds and hearts to the vast pool of men that, for whatever reason, they have deemed un-datable.
“But he’s 5”2”/an ethnicity I’ve only ever heard about on TV/my roommate once said he was cute 3 years ago so I can NEVER POSSIBLY EVEN LOOK AT HIS FACE.”
When girls are young and rookies to the dating game, they might easy to rule out complete categories of completely awesome dudes based on some insane Cosmo list of criteria that bares no resemblance to the smart, funny, quirky audience of men (and women, duh) who actually exist in the real life. As they get older, it becomes clearer that all of the arbitrary categories previously deemed mandatory aren’t as important as the one true requirement in a partner: a functional wiener. Just kidding! In the meantime, though, ladies should consider wrapping their minds/legs around someone with the personality to deserve it. Also, as an aside, based solely on things I’ve seen on the internet: a working penis is really not as necessary as I previously thought!
5) Calm Yourself, Girl
It can be so easy for women to get incredibly worked up about spending major holidays alone, especially biggies like New Year’s Eve or Valentine’s Day ( DID YOU GUYS FORGET VALENTINE’S DAY IS COMING? According to every drugstore I walk into, it’s just around the corner!). I mean, if I had a dime for every special event I spent crying in the ladies’ restroom, I’d have ONE MILLION DIMES. Maybe guys do that too. I don’t know; they won’t let me into their bathroom. What I’m saying is, the important thing for anyone on the prowl in 2011 is that it isn’t the end of the world
if you don’t find the love of your life/bone partner of your dreams. The real end of the world is going to be 2012. And if that doesn’t inspire you to start getting your hump on, I don’t know what will! Happy New Year, everybody!