When the ball drops this year, I’ll be safetly going through customs at JFK. Yes, I’ve timed my return from a holiday trip abroad to land at 11:30 pm on December 31st, and I couldn’t be happier. The airport will be cleared out, and I’ve already arranged for a car to take me back home, where I can hide beneath the covers until New Years Eve is over.
You know how alcoholics say that St. Patty’s Day is for amateurs? That’s how I feel about people who like to party on Halloween and New Years. Like I need a reason to put on a panda outfit and make out with hot guys? Please, give me some credit. If you’re still banking on this holiday – which is worse than Halloween because it is seemingly defined by throngs of people – as the one time of year to definitely get to second base, then you seriously need a life reassesment in my opinion.
Because the problem with New Years Eve is that it’s literally a ticking clock, counting down and reminding us how little time we have as we rush from one party to the next. Like Halloween, everyone you know will be at some other, cooler party, and you’ll have only 45 minutes to find a way across town before the streets explode with drunken revelers. You’ll get to that party only to find the cute guy you like didn’t even bother showing up, though the text you get from him at 2 a.m. which reads “haai babey, want 2 make out?” will confirm that nothing at all is going to be different this year.