This week’s episode of SyFy’s* Bridalplasty is (finally) all about sex. First up, hostbot Shanna Moakley introduces the women to Dr. Sadie Allison, a professional “pleasure coach” and the owner of Tickle Kitty, a store that sells sex toys and Fancy Feast in bulk.
Dr. Sadie wants to know about the brides’ sex lives: Dominique is upset that her husband’s a premature ejaculator, Kristen’s good at “the bj” (the body judging) and Allyson claims to be very flexible — which means she must have some rubber mixed in with her plastic. Dr. Allison coaches the women on honeymoon sex and Shanna reveals that the final bride standing will receive a trip to Fiji, an island famous for those creepy mermaid mummy things that always showed up on The X Files.
Dr. Sadie leaves and the women head back to the house (Allyson via back handsprings) where they compete in this week’s challenge. The gals pair off into two groups of three, leaving Lisa Marie out to sit alone in the corner in a dunce cap. Each group is given a set of crash test dummies which they must twist and turn into seven Kama Sutra positions. Which are:
1. Sporting of a Sparrow: The man drapes the woman over his shoulders like she’s an unnecessary cardigan on a unseasonably warm early spring day and regurgitates food into her mouth.
2. Like a Lotus: The man yanks on the woman’s pigtails while denying his Asian fetish emphatically.
3. The Mare: The man enters the woman from behind as she recites lines from Equus.
4. Pair of Tongs: The man penetrates the woman sideways while holding her legs up in the air. Bleu cheese dressing is used as lubrication.
5. Fixing the Nail: The man begins with a flaccid penis. The woman pounds and pounds until it becomes erect. Then she sends the man on his way to fix things around the house.
6. The Crab: The man and the woman press their bodies right up against each other and scratch one another’s itches in perfect unison.
7. Splitting of a Bamboo: The woman nibbles up and down the shaft of the man’s penis like she’s an adorable widdle panda bear. Then she takes a nap. Black eyes are optional.
Cheyenne, Princess Jenessa and Allyson are the fastest sex positioners, and Lisa Marie is called upon to decide the challenge’s winner/plastic surgery recipient. The brides are given a change to beg for the knife, but Cheyenne selflessly chooses to give her surgery to one of the other women. Not to be outdone, Jenessa coaxes her tear ducts into producing a few drops of water and (much less selflessly) insists that Allyson receive the surgery. Lisa Marie and Allyson start to cry as well, just as we learn that the Bridalplasty house was built on Los Angeles’s largest onion farm.
Allyson dries her tears and heads to the maniacal Dr. Dubrow. The doctor knocks her out sucks the fat from her cheeks and arms with a novelty twisty straw in the shape of Mickey Mouse. Weirdly, an ad pops up letting viewers know they can now purchase soap at the Bridalplasty website.
Netty, Alexandra and Kristen are the bottom three brides, making them eligible for elimination. Kristen claims to have a broken heart and adds that to the top of her plastic surgery wish list, but then she has a glass of wine and feels better. Princess Jenessa forces the women to turn against Alexandra. They beat her down and steal her parts like the perfect bridal army we always knew they could be.
Alexandra calls the women “fake bitches,” which is the very highest form of compliment. Even so, she gets zero votes, so she’s taken to the curb and plopped into the recycling bin, where she’s collected and traded for change by the cast of Celebrity Rehab.
Next week: The perfect robot bachelorette party!
* We actually mean E! But we’re very committed to this joke.