Dear Cat Lady,
My boyfriend always buys me geeky tech stuff for Christmas. How do I tell him that not only does every single MP3 player and digital camera come in silver – when he should know that I only wear gold – but that he should just buy me jewelry instead?
Gadgets are is Not a Girl’s Best Friend
Because you’re obviously a devoted reader of my column, I’m going to assume that you have already tried all of the classic SWOT-team maneuvers (that is, Sex (Withheld), Orders, and Tears). If your boyfriend still insists on buying you tech stuff, you’re going to have to move your game to the next level.
Some of you less experienced readers might be wondering what the problem is. Why not just sell his tech gifts and use the money to buy jewelry? Or, even better, teach him a lesson by smashing that digital camera right in front of him in order to extract and melt down the metals it contains into dangly pendant form?
But if you do that, you still have to expend time and effort to get what you want. By contrast, the ideal boyfriend will anticipate and fulfill your needs without any effort on your part. And how do you obtain this ideal state of affairs? The answer is simple: physical violence.
My cat Fred proved this lesson to me very succinctly. Fred has soft and luxuriously long hair on his belly – the kind of fur that cat lovers dream of petting. But does he let me pet it? No way. Fred prefers to have his ears scratched. So, instead of settling for some trade-off ratio of one belly rub to every three ear scratches, like normal cats tolerate, Fred made sure to claw as near as he could to my eyes every time my hands strayed away from his ears. Guess who gets plenty of ear rubs now?
And guess who will get plenty of jewelry if every non-jewelry gift is met with a swift kick to your boyfriend’s family jewels?
Time to bake Christmas catnips patties!
The Cat Lady