This week’s episode of SyFy’s* Bridalplasty is all about synching up the brides’ neurons so that that they’re always right about unimportant matters like wine and crab meat, but never right about important matters like niceness and which words are actually part of the English language. First up, hosty Shanna Moakler takes the gals to visit the showroom of a man named Patrick Hanson, whose claim to fame is that he’s LA’s premiere cake designer and also that his veins pump fondant instead of blood. Here, the women taste the difference between a Hanson’s cake and a regular cake, which is so offensive to the brides’ palates that they gag on the tiny morsels and drool all over their little plastic faces. Sugarhigh, the girls talk about their dream wedding cakes in very bubbly voices. Melissa, for example, wants a cake that contains edible pearls and also Zoloft.
After the cakery is over, Shanna rounds up the girls and brings them back to the house for this week’s challenge. Alluding to the nature of the contest, Shanna says “I hope your taste buds were paying attention!” Melissa is sad because her taste buds were playing Angry Birds and daydreaming about a really good sandwich from five years ago.
The challenge is all about refinement. In each stage of this five-round game, the women are presented with two similar foodstuffs. One is an exorbitantly expensive top-shelf selection and the other is a bottom-of-the-barrel discount variety — and the brides must guess the finer offering.
Round 1: $400 champagne vs. $3 champagne
Round 2: Fois gras vs. canned liver pate
Round 3: $250 wine with earth notes vs. $4 wine with dirt mixed in.
Round 4: Crab vs. Krab
Round 5: Beer-fed Kobe beef vs. ground chuck
Cheyenne’s schnoz is still taped up from her nose job and she starts crying and complaining that she can’t smell. Shanna tells her to suck it up because “You never know what can happen.” For example, Los Angeles could suddenly become completely dystopic and begin manufacturing dangerous replicants that must be hunted down and enslaved, or Cheyenne could come out on the good side of a 50/50 gamble. So Cheyenne does suck it up, saying “Maybe I can do this with the other however-many-senses you have.” Most people have 4, but Cheyenne seems to have no sense at all.
Princess Jenessa insistes she’ll do well with this challenge because unlike the other women she lives “close to New York” — over there on that planet Bridgeandtunnelandia. Immediately after she says this, she chooses the dirt wine. Netty gets everything wrong, so she’s in the bottom three along with Melissa and Lisa Marie. Alexandra and Dominique are tied for first place so they take part in a sudden death cake challenge. They have to guess which cake was made by Patrick Hanson, which by a kindergartener, and which by a Tauntaun with an E-Z-Bake oven. Dominique wins, so she heads to Dr. Dubrow for nose job #2 of the series.
On the RealDoll transition front, Kristen’s recovering nicely from her boob job — although she does complain of a little “gurgling.” Dominque’s nose job goes well. We know this because Dr. Dubrow says “that was awesome!” before jetpacking off into outer space. Back at the house, Kristen and Jenessa compare breasts and the other women weigh in. But still, no lesbotronic action.
Next up, some boring stuff happens: Jenessa tries to manipulate everyone again, Melissa cries, Alexandra invents the word “agreeance.” In the end, Melissa goes home because nobody voted for her except for Princess Jenessa, and her word has little worth on Planet Bridalplasty. Goodbye Melissa — we wish you well in your journey to nowhere.
Next week: Robot bridesmaids and maybe some liposuction, finally.
*We mean E! We think. We honestly can’t even tell anymore.