Romancing The Bone: How To Announce Your V-Card

It’s painful, it’s awkward, and lots of ladies are doing it every day: telling someone they’re dating that they’re still a virgin. Whether they’re waiting for marriage or just waiting until class gets out, laying the v-card on the table can feel downright humiliating, even though we know it shouldn’t. With that awkwardness in mind, here are some suggestions from me for how girls can let potential sex friends know what’s up with their downstairs.

1)   Tell Them While Vertical (TTWM)

I know not everything needs to have an acronym, but it sure don’t hurt! It can be super tempting for ladies to not bring up the whole virgin thing until they are, you know, in a position to not be a virgin anymore. Why make it a thing before it’s a thing, right? But the truth is, delivering the V-card news while both people are dressed/semi-sober enough to have an actual conversation, which can be very nice if anyone is experiencing any nervousness about doing it in general. For example, I spilled the beans to my a one time-man friend while sitting on a stoop nervously rummaging through my purse, and despite that description it was so much less awkward than you would imagine! As I’d hoped, he was completely unphased and supportive about it. Until he said, “That’s funny, because this other girl I used to date was a virgin too!” to which I was like, “Okay, shut up now,” but still, he had the right attitude. Another question some girls might be pondering is, do they even have to tell their potential bedmate about the whole virgin thing at all? I think in general no one has to reveal their lack of carnal knowledge if they don’t want to. On the flip side however, chances are that as soon people get to porking, they immediately realize how much they want to roll over and say, “Wow, that was awesome/weird/a great pre-sandwich eating activity!” It’s nice for new non-virgins to have someone on the same team as them, particularly since they’re playing an entirely new game.

2) There is always an “And…” at the end of that sentence.

There may come a time in every person’s life where he or she is going to blurt out, “I’m a virgin!” to their significant other, hopefully during brunch, often while going to second base. This declaration is usually immediately followed by complete silence, during which the blabber stares into his or her make-out buddy’s face and tries to judge if they are going to handle it well or throw-up and run away. But those of you reading this should know better than that! It turns out, revealing the v-card once both people are two articles of clothing away from boning doesn’t actually MEAN any one thing in particular. It’s the virginal party’s duty to clarify whether they actually mean, “I’m a virgin, so I’m going to have to draw the line at finger-banging.” Or, “I’m a virgin, so excuse my nervously shaking hands during this intercourse I would like us to have now.” No one’s partner is a mind reader (unless that person is Miss Cleo, in which case I’d like to ask: what happened to you, girl?). If someone is unsure of what they actually do mean by mentioning their virginity, THEN JUST SAY THAT!  There is no wrong way to feel about having sex for the first time, but there are super-long awkward pauses while the other person tries to decipher what the virgin thing means for them.

3) Condoms, Condoms, and Infinitely More Condoms

Look guys, if I could use condoms for all the women in America, I would. But since The Man (aka medical science) says that everyone has to utilize their own, all I can do is prompt the fact that the conversation about being a virgin and the discussion about condoms AND birth control can be the same fun chat. Just knock all three out of the way at once! You’re already feeling uncomfortable talking about your newness to sex; you might as well get everything out there at the same time in one big bumbling convo. I would go so far as suggest that all ladies proceed immediately to Duane Reade to buy condoms to just carry around in their purse, even if they aren’t planning to lose it until they’re past menopause, or are afraid it’ll make them seem like Big Slutty Slut Slut-Sluts. Better to be the most super-prepared hussy in the world than wake up the next morning and try not to have a panic attack on the subway ride to buy Plan B.

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    • Mr. Rugelach

      And any advice for us guys who haven’t cashed in yet?

    • Dr. Lach

      Love the video choice: especially tacky given that Andrea looks 5 years older than the Prof and the actress (GC) likely has a teenager in real life dealing with this problem.

      [secondary medical aside--I would not want my initials to be the shorthand term for gonorrhea. throwing that out there]

      Excellent work.