I’m Just Not That Into You, Natalie Portman

I’m sorry, Natalie Portman. I know that as an actress, you’ve made a lot of great career decisions. From your early days in The Professional and Beautiful Girls to your recent critically-acclaimed Black Swan, no one is doubting your versatile acting skills. But I still do not like you.

Maybe it’s because we’re so similar: we are both beloved by Jewish men who appreciate our”Jewess-with-shiksa-appeal;” we both rocked the shaved head look for awhile (and pulled it off because of our fine bone structures); and we are both pretty much banned from Israel for life.

But I think it goes deeper than that. I think you are smug, Natalie Portman. I think you are the female version of Christian Bale, with your extreme and unhealthy body fluxuations for different roles. I do not like how you signed that Hollywood list that essentially said Roman Polanski should get out of jail for free. I do not like your pseudo-politics, or your poise, or what you did to the Star Wars legacy.

But mostly, Natalie Portman, I do not like how ubiquitous you are. It’s like every time I close my eyes and think of the word “actress,” either you or Meryl Streep pop into my head. I am happy you’ve become so successful, because you do seem very smart, and can make fun of yourself (like in that Saturday Night Live video where you rap about your Ivy league education.)

But lately you’ve seemed to be losing your sure-footing, Natalie, taking your Black Swan choreographer away from his girlfriend and calling him your own, and obsessing over your love of self-flagellation in interviews. Maybe now the world will see you the way I do: as a smug, creepy bitch. Sorry, I just don’t like you.

P.S. Garden State still continues to suck.

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    • Cruising

      This post only works for me if there’s a White Swan version to accompany this Black Song undermining hatorade.

    • Amy

      Somebody drank their hatorade today

    • Drew Grant

      These comments only work for me if someone wasn’t making weird gutteral sounds during the Mila Kunis carpet-munching scenes.

    • Kim

      I’m not sure about Natalie Portman but thank goodness someone understands that Christian Bale is one of the worse actors on the face of this earth. (Unless this is just me.) He has one expression, all of obvious boredom. Eurgh!!!

    • Melissa

      Oh Natalie Portman. If you are fortunate to win more awards please learn to accept them with grace and class. You need to learn to close your mouth about opening your legs to some guy. So much for keeping your private life just that, which you used to sneer to those who asked. Good luck with your baby daddy and faux engagement; you’ll need it.