When it comes to college graduation, there’s one thing that a great GPA does not prepare you for: losing your virginity. But as graduation gets closer, many girls are faced with a question only slightly less terrifying than how to avoid living in their parent’s basement come the end of May. Which is this: Do you qualify as a complete loser if you graduate college with your v-card intact?
As The Simpson’s Reverend Lovejoy would put it, “Short answer: yes, with an if. Long answer: no, with a but.”
Lots of girls want to wait for the perfect time/place/vampire boyfriend before DOING IT, but sometimes years go by before that happens, and suddenly you feel like a crazy cat-lady as the bone-free weekends fly by. I know this from experience.
College is filled with B.O.-packed house parties and sweaty beer kisses that are not always conducive to locating someone who could be both a buddy and a desirable lovah. For some of you, I know that entering the Real World as a virgin makes you want to lay down in the library stacks and sigh forever. To which I say, I feel you, ladies.
I myself was a big oldy olderson virgin when I graduated college. As if finishing a thesis, looking for a job and generally staring down the barrel of Adulthood wasn’t nerve-wracking enough, I was ready to put Oldest Virgin Alive on my resume (under the EXPERIENCE section). I attended a Catholic university, so I did know other virgins my age. But there’s nothing quite so demoralizing as your staunchly pious friends losing it before you even get the opportunity to (and on a related note: yes, the butt does count toward this discussion, you guys).
So I graduated college never having slept with anyone. More by accident than for any particular moral reason. And no, I didn’t sleep with someone the next week…OR EVEN THE NEXT YEAR, GIRL. Man, I basically started stocking up on hard candies and soft house slippers because I was so certain I was going to turn out to be someone’s spinster aunt. I was convinced that having missed the college deadline meant there was something actually wrong with me. I was so convinced of this that I didn’t realize my fears of why no one would sleep with me were actually making people not sleep with me.
Looking back, why exactly didn’t I have sex as an undergrad? Well, I was a late bloomer. I might have had the mind of a young adult, but I had the self-esteem of an overweight sixth-grader. On some subconscious level I was sure no one would find me attractive, and I didn’t want to risk being proven right. The fact that no guys were blatantly marching up and trying to seduce me must have proved it, right? Right?
Basically, it was many of the reasons many young girls might be stressing over the state of their hymen today. But most of all, I just didn’t know how to own my shit yet. I didn’t get that I should be proactively trying to figure out what and who I actually liked and you know, looking for that. I just thought if I hadn’t had much sex luck up until then, that I never would. Ever.
Which is insane. Let’s be real here: dating (and the sexy times that often ensue) involves taking scary personal risks, including and not limited to: deciding what you want from another person, what you think your sexuality might be, what you want in bed, what you feel about birth control and abortion. If that takes you until your 20s, jeez, if that takes you until you’re 40, no one should be at all surprised. Some people never figure that stuff out.
In the meantime, however, a lot of young women are so self-conscious of their virginal status that they convince themselves they are losers, which is completely unfair and messed up. At a certain point, you are effectively cock-blocking yourself. And that is a travesty.
HOWEVER, I will say this: college is stuffed with (fairly) attractive people in your age bracket in close physical proximity to your lady junk. That is not a present to be taken lightly. Enjoy it while you can. Once you get pushed from the warm womb of college life, bawling and covered in placenta, into the adult dating scene, you are going to have to actually put on real pants and take the subway to see people you are interested in. So take that in mind when you’re choosing or ignoring potential mates.
To my surprise I did eventually, finally get to have sex with someone other than myself. Men didn’t know or seem to realize that I was a terrible unsex grandma virgin. It was like magic! Magic I created by actually approaching guys I find attractive, asking them to hang-out, and acknowledging to myself that I maybe I had enough of my personal brand of awesome to be appealing to some I was interested in seeing naked.Just because I had missed that graduation deadline didn’t mean I was out of the running permanently. As I realize now, all of that terror was made-up in my brain.
Of course, of course, there’s nothing wrong with being a virgin at 21, 25, or 70…if you are making the actual choice to be one. So you late bloomers, you introverts, you incidentally unlucky yearning to bone free, my long answer is: have no shame. You are your own damn woman, after all. Have sex tonight, have sex in 40 years, put on a dragon costume and have sex with someone dressed as Betsy Ross, whatever you want to do. It’s your life. But know you can and will have sex someday (unless you are asexual, in which case, enjoy all your extra spare time! Jealous!). When I eventually started having sex, all those months (okay, years) of going crazy crackers over not boning just sort of melted into the background. There are no wrong decisions when it comes to sex, if you are making them deliberately and not out of fear or, you know, paralyzing self-loathing. Because those, unfortunately, are the main impetus for some people’s decisions, but not yours, girl. So do your thing. But whatever you do, do it because you actually want to. You aren’t that PHD (Pretty Hella Desperate).
And tune in next week, when we answer that age old question: How do you tell a potential sex partner that you still have your V-card?
Romancing The Bone is a sex column written from the perspective of an awkward late-bloomer, offering advice on how to slog through the rejection and disappointment of the dating world to reveal the ultimate awesomeness therein. Do you have a sex story you’d like to share with Crushable? Send it to tips(at)crushable(dot)com with SEXY TIME in the Subject Line.
(Photo by Getty)