When you’re in college, the legal consumption of alcohol is either a new privilege you’re thrilled about or a rite of passage you can’t wait to happen. As a result, alcohol is a great novelty to the late teen/early teen mind, ain’t it! While the average twenty-year-old Joe might once have settled for a bottle of chilled mediocre vodka mixed with cheap cranberry juice, today’s young imbibers want something more: we want our alcohol to be novel. Whether it comes in the form of dessert or through an eyeball, our peers are finding stupider and stupider ways to ingest booze! We have to stop them.
As for the matter of drugs, real drugs are illegal. Drugs you can find in your kitchen still seem badass, but like grabbing a beer even though you’re underage, it’s probably not going to get you in trouble. Legal trouble, at least! Similar to novel methods of getting drunk, novel household modes of getting high are also idiotic.
I would like to take this opportunity to advocate for the end of whippets, alcoholic whipped cream and generally whipped stuff as a method of chemically altering our brains. I will most happily join you for a round (or two or three) of tequila shots, some Johnnie Walker on the rocks, a nice glass of Pinot Noir – whatever floats your boat. I will even do a keg stand with the shittiest beer you have! I will drink a Four Loko! But I will not smoke nutmeg. Or eat alcoholic whipped cream. Or put a tampon soaked in vodka in my vagina.
Things That Are Not Acceptable As Methods of Getting Drunk or High, Ever:
“Whipped Lightning” – This sounds disgusting. It’s whipped cream with alcohol in it. One of the flavors is “tropical passion.” Tropical passion whipped cream infused with alcohol. This is the world we live in. I cannot even imagine how much of it you would have to eat in order to get drunk. Whipped cream is a topping, not an alcoholic beverage. I guess the point is you are supposed to put it on top of a shot? Have you ever had a shot with whipped cream on top? I have. I threw up afterward.
“Adult Chocolate Milk” – 40 proof Chocolate milk. As in, just as alcoholic as vodka or tequila. Yikes. Apparently, it’s vodka mixed with chocolate milk, though the company’s website doesn’t list the ingredients so I’m just going to assume this is made out of crack and Swiss Miss powder. (Side note: how could chocolate milk mixed with vodka be as strong as vodka itself? I sense an upcoming episode of Mythbusters!)
Whippets – More whipped things! In case you haven’t already wrecked your brain with a Whippet already, or even if you have and didn’t really know what the hell it was except that it made you feel like you were at the dentist, a Whippet is a little can of nitrous oxide that’s used for making whipped cream. Instead of making alcoholic whipped cream, though, the nitrous oxide is released into a balloon, followed by which a stoned idiot sucks the gas and ends up feeling like a cloud. For like, 45 seconds. Maybe a few minutes if you’re lucky. Anyway, this kills approximately a trillion and a half brain cells and it doesn’t even last 5 minutes! And you have to suck on a balloon.
Smoking Nutmeg – Apparently this is America’s next epidemic. Apparently the results are somewhat like smoking pot. Except you’re smoking something that you put in EggNog! I’m kind of intrigued, but also not.
Vodka Tampon – When I heard about vodka eyeballing, whereby you pour vodka into your eye to get drunk, I was fairly horrified. But then my friend told me that girls soak tampons in vodka and then stick them up there where tampons usually go, causing the vagina to absorb vodka and a subsequent drunken state. Scientifically, this is kind of genius. Ethically and hygienically and medically, this is beyond foul.
Adderall – You shouldn’t take Adderall to party. If you want to take Aderall to do your homework, fine. Drinking + Adderall not only = DUMB, but also = MASSIVE HANGOVER.