We’ve all had our terrible TMI moments in relationships before: that time we blew up at our boyfriend in public for ordering us the wrong latte, or when your BFF borrowed your favorite dress to wear to a party and you tried to rip it off her. (Um, we all did that once, okay?) Most of us have the good sense after these humiliating blow-outs to apologize – hopefully in front of a large group of people – and get on with our lives.
But then there are those people in your life whose anger-management issues always get in the way of a supposedly sincere apology. Abusive relationships, back-stabbing siblings, even a bestie who promises better behavior but never comes through: These people are the Kanye Wests to your Taylor Swift, and they’ll never forget a perceived slight, no matter how many crocodile tears they shed. Here’s how to sniff out the insincerity from a Kanye wannabe, using our awesome apology-translator and ample use of Vulture’s Evolution of an Apology feature. If you find yourself listening to anything resembling the statements below, do yourself a solid and cut these haters out of your life.
Apology: The Blog post
Example: (Kanye during the 2008 VMAs) “i’m sooooo sorry to taylor swift and her fans and her mom … i’m in the wrong … i’m not crazy yall, i’m just real. sorry for that!!! i really feel bad for taylor and i’m sincerely sorry!!!”
Translation: I’m a giant drama queen who is looking to avoid the confrontation of actually saying “sorry” to your face.
Apology: Proud to Be Me
Example: 2010′s VMAs, when Kanye seemed to own his asshole status after almost being denied entry to the event. “Let’s have a toast for the douchebags!” he proclaimed in his “Phoenix”-like rebirth hit, Runaways.
Translation: I’m too proud to admit I screwed up, so I’m going to use the easy excuse that I’m just a jerk to explain my actions. Hey, you can’t ask a zebra to change it’s asshole stripes!
Apology: The Injured Party
Example: Kanye’s secret show at the Bowery Ballroom last week included his latest rant about Taylor, when the hip-hop artists told his audience “Taylor never came to my defense in any interview…and she rode the wave and rode it and rode it.”
Translation: I’m seriously scraping the bottom of the barrel here, but maybe if I pretend like you are the one holding a grudge, I can gain some public sympathy.
Apology: The Maniac Indecision
Example: In September, Kanye tweeted again “I only want to do good … I’m sorry Taylor.” He also apologized on Leno. Yet the bonus track of Kanye’s latest album includes the lines, “Immature adult? Uh-huh. Insecure asshole? What else? … I’ma let you finish, but I got Beyoncé on the track … Black excellence, baby … We the greatest in the world!”
Translation: Tripping between over-the-top, maudlin apologies and self-righteous anger, it’s clear that this person doesn’t even know their own position in the fight. Don’t bother pointing out their hypocrisy, as it will only add further fuel to your beef. Just gracefully bow out of the argument and hope your record sales soar.