Last night was the premiere of Bridalplasty, which as far as we can tell, is a new show on SyFy about an evil corporation that kidnaps innocent women and turns them into bionic RealDolls before selling them into a lifetime of domestic slavery. It comes on before Kendra, a show about anthropomorphic bunnies.
The episode begins with a one-by-one introduction of the women, and we see flashbacks of the brides in their homes back before they were tossed into body bags and transported to the E! Headquarters. (“E” stands for evil and exclamation point stands for period.) One woman’s name is Jenessa, meaning she’s princess of a distant moon in a far away galaxy. Another, Alexandra, used to star on The Biggest Loser, which is a History Channel show about the financial depression. Lisa Marie is already half-plastic, and because of that she’s the most vulnerable bride of all.
In the next scene, we meet genius mastermind and Bridalplasty host Shanna Moakler, who explains that the corp’s true mission is to find the one absolutely perfect RealDoll. Rejects will be sent away from the show and their plastic bodies recycled for use on The Soup and Chelsea Lately. Soon, the evil Dr. Dubrow appears to explain why the women aren’t yet sellable as sex dolls. He gives each bride a list of procedures she must first undergo: one will be liposuctioned, another given breast implants, a third will have her limbs replaced with octopus tentacles. Most of the women cry at this point, and we, as an audience, begin to pray for their safety.
The women are instructed to dress up and socialize at a “party” — a sly way to secretly test their platter-carrying skills. Shanna has a special surprise for one of her captives: Bride-slave Melissa’s lover has come to visit her straight from Iraq, which is a show on Comedy Central about failure. Although T.J. tells Melissa he loves her and promises to bring her breakfast in bed every morning once they’re narried, there’s something nefarious about him — like maybe he’s actually a male RealDoll sent to infiltrate the camp and make sure the women remain docile and loyal.
T.J. leaves and the women are given their first challenge — they must quickly put together life-size puzzles featuring images of their own bodies. This tests that the brides are still aware of their own humanness, and also their handjob skills. The winners are taken to a “plastics party,” where their faces are injected with chemicals that turn their skin into latex and their brains into fun iPhone games like Alchemy and Angry Birds.
The losers of the game — Alexandra and a woman named Ashley — find their lives in jeopardy. The other brides are forced to vote on which of the two puzzle-challenged ladies will remain at E! Headquarters, and it’s an emotional affair for everyone. In the end, Ashley is sent away, because — although her tear ducts are still functional — she isn’t cute when she cries. Which means that Alexandra is only the second-biggest loser this time, although her life is still in grave, grave danger.
Next week: Flowers, dresses and two-headed wedding planners.