• Tue, Nov 9 2010

Textual Healing: Respect Will Get You Laid

textingText messaging is often the fastest way to communicate with friends and acquaintances, but it’s not always the best one. Especially when it comes to texting with guys. Here at Crushable we aim to help you sift through all the subtext and emerge relatively unscathed – with a little help from our friend Amanda Ernst.

This weekend I was sitting around having drinks with a friend, lamenting over the fact that two guys had recently called me “disappointing.” In text messages. Because I refused to rush over to their apartments at 2 a.m. and have sex with them. My friend shook his head, possibly embarrassed for his fellow men. “They should know better,” he said. “Respect will get you laid.”

In five words, he perfectly summed out how I felt about late night texting and these guys’ (possibly inadvertent) attempt to shame me into giving in to them. In the past it may have worked. But I’m on to them now, and I’m putting my foot down. Give me respect or forget it.

A while ago I decided to stop responding to late night texts I received after I was already home and in bed. But, like many of you, I’m still guilty of responding to guys when I’m out at night. I’ve learned that nothing a guy can text me after 2 a.m. will convince me to go to his place late at night. Women need flirting, romance and, overall, respect. So stop assuming that a text message will get us in a cab headed in your direction and start working on establishing a relationship. Yes, I know the “r” word is very scary, but no one’s asking you to be their boyfriend.

Here’s what I mean by “relationship”: an understanding of mutual interest, trust and respect. You know, all the things you need to make that late night sex really, really good. Sure, you can have a sloppy, drunken one night stand any time you want, but if that was what you were after, you would be chatting up the 21-year-old girl at the bar instead of texting me. If you want more, you need to put in a little more effort. Ask the object of your late night affection out for drinks during the week or earlier in the night, or invite her to meet up with you and your friends on a Saturday night. If you’re already hanging out, the chances of going home together increase exponentially. And don’t forget to text, IM, call or in other ways talk to the girl you’re trying to bed outside of the context of the late night hook up. You need to make her feel wanted, and not just like another semi-anonymous lay. Yes, there is a time and place for that, but that’s what the girl at the bar is for.

Do you agree with my feelings? Leave your own text messaging stories in the comments below and you might see them featured in an upcoming installment of Textual Healing.

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  • Rachel

    It is unfortunate that men behave this way.This lack of respect and humility is is, quite frankly an insult to the other sex.
    This is how men behave for the most part where I live. NYC for 1 year. I have noticed that there is a lot of ego in this city and sometimes a guy will not be reaching out to ‘you’ in the middle of the night, he simply wants the attention placate his ego.
    Any guy that would behave this way, unfortunately has weak integrity and not enough respect for any woman.
    Also, I feel as though ‘being the girl at the bar’ you automatically deserve less respect and longevity from a prospective guy is completely chauvinistic and insulting.
    We deserve to be treated the way we treat others, in any situation. If someone fails at providing this, they fail you and are not worthy of your heed.
    I hope women cave in less to these twerps . The less we encourage it, the chances we have of seeing change.

  • Rachel

    excuse my misphrasing.

    The less we encourage this behavior, the more chances we may have of seeing change and attracting the ‘right’ energy into our lives.

    Also there is nothing wrong with networking and meeting people at bars. I believe these places are a powerful social lubricant and should be embraced for what they are.

    Cheers

  • Catie

    “you can have a sloppy, drunken one night stand any time you want, but if that was what you were after, you would be chatting up the 21-year-old girl at the bar instead of texting me”

    On behalf of all the other 21-year-old girls out there,
    …ouch.

    • Marisa

      Yeah, apparently we are all desperate with no standards. Thanks. To the author: I’m not sure what you were like at 21 years old, but some of us do respect ourselves. Sorry if you’re just now getting there.

  • god

    21 year-old girls at a bar are a terrible way to go if you’re looking to get laid without expending an inordinate amount of effort, unless you had the good fortune of having been born the life of the party. 23 to 25ish girls are way less ridiculous about the idea, and all girl’s defenses are in full gear at the bar. It’d be easier to pick up a 21 year-old at the library than it is at the bar. Sounds counterintuitive, but it really does work out that way.

    Texting an acquaintance that hasn’t been specifically ruled out by some unfortunate happenstance carries a much better chance of working out, in my opinion. Not sure why the author has such a huge problem with the idea. And of course she treats as a given that one-night stands need to be “sloppy and drunken.” I think that girls hear so much from society about how it’s a terrible thing to just have sex with someone that they automatically respond with “you need to put in more effort” as if the guy is the only one getting anything out of sex. If you’re attracted to someone, you’re attracted to someone.

    Here’s what guys who have their shit together know: Given the admitted double standard about girls having casual sex, the name of the game is for the guy to engineer the situation so that she can rationalize away any implication of sluttiness in her decision to hook up. Sometimes it comes down to the particular wording of one single sentence. But the idea that there’s something inherently wrong with hooking up with a text buddy is nonsense. And if girls would chill the hell out about stuff like that, it really would make things easier for all concerned. You have no idea how many decent guys don’t approach you because they are conditioned to expect rejection as the default response.

    • An angel?

      This is written in the form of advice to men for getting laid. As a man who has gotten laid before, I can say that it has some truth to it, but the fact is that not every girl has to be princessed into bed. The ones who do need that dance get far less options, because most guys with enough confidence have little interest in jumping through hoops for a woman on the off-chance it might work out in the one thing they came for.

      The moral of the story is that the vast majority of men don’t get tricked into relationships while trying to weasel their way to a one-night-stand. They say and do what they have to to get laid, and then find out afterwards, after the veils have come down for both parties, that they genuinely like this person, even in the absence of all those hormones that previously had them only interested in one thing.

  • god

    After re-reading the article, I realize I took it somewhat out of context. So scratch para 2 in my previous post.

    • Possum

      Why on earth would you need to ‘weasel’ you way into sex ?
      Maybe you should be looking for a one-night-stand in a park if you are in-fact a weasel.

  • Rachel

    I was not implying that women need to be cajoled into sex . You are right God, if two people are attracted to each other its great. But the point I was making even one-night-stands deserve a level of integrity and respect. If my prospective lay texted me in the middle of the night saying ‘come over !’, assuming I would jump at the opportunity, i would feel devalued.I feel like inquiring ‘what are you upto ? ‘ and then seeing if the person is free you may then spring an invitation on them which would make a world of a difference in the level of respect that is adopted. I do enjoy one night stands and believe they sometimes have the potential to develop into more, unless you get treated like Chinese take-out of-course. Then you are dealing with an ego-centric A-hole.
    I certainly do not demand from my girlfriend to ‘come over !’ out of the blue.
    It’s sort of abrupt and inconsiderate.

    • Possum

      Yes the tonality of saying ‘come over !’ rude and quite bleak. This is what phone calls are for… to hear tones. Tones are beautiful. They are closer to sex than the digital images inside a phone. You are one step closer to sex with a phone call.
      To be real, if you are calling someone for intimacy, be intimate.

  • Glory Steinem

    I see by your article that you really are a feminist.

  • Harold Holt

    Your friend who shook his head while feigning embarrassment for his gender, I respect his “if I humor her she might put out” angle.

  • sirrix

    This author is brain-damaged and I have no idea why buzzfeed is linking here.

  • notgoodenufforbuzzfeed

    see above ^

  • Steve

    Do not over think this. It’s real simple stupid…Treat everyone with respect… Women want the same thing men want. The big difference is they want a partner who is a human being not a shaved chimp with a dick in need or he throws his fecal matter (that’s shit for you chimps out there). The word is climax! No climax if you don’t know how to start! Get it?

  • Sirmilton

    I think that the overall theme here is that if men treated the women they are texting at 2am more as real people, and less as a means to an end, the result would be better for everyone. I’m not saying that a slew of partners is the best thing in the world, but the nature of the world we live in.

    I’m friends with a number of women that I have slept with, and the continued friendship, honesty and respect that I share with them allows us to have relationships that include sex. Being able to wake up the next morning and enjoy breakfast with the person you texted at 2am is much more enticing than the alternative awkwardness. There are an increasing number of people who are not in monogamous relationships, but that doesn’t mean they have to feel more alone the morning after.

  • ryan

    it’s cute that you think sex and love are the same thing.

  • Bon

    I’m 21 and men know better than to send me those late night texts and I don’t respond to being chatted up at the bar. such age discrimination!