I’ve Never Seen ‘The Goonies’

Last week was the 25th anniversary of Back to the Future, which was commemorated all over America by having the movie come out on Blu-Ray. I was very excited: Back to the Future formed most of my pre-adolescent ideas about time travel, the 50s, and making out with your mother. Today, The Goonies celebrates its own 25th anniversary Blu-Ray release, which means that a) The Goonies came out the same year as Back to the Future and b) I have made it 25 years without seeing probably the most influential adventure film of my generation. Waa-waah!

But there’s a silver lining: Because I haven’t seen The Goonies but am plugged in enough to pop culture to know certain facts about the film, I can do a passable recreation of what I think this film is about. Okay, here goes:

The Goonies are about a bunch of monster goons that live in some sort of cave on the edge of suburbia. They are headed up by Martha Plimpton and Chunk, a monster that loves Baby Ruth candy. They have gold coins of some sort, and Josh Brolin is very evil in it, but maybe turns into a good guy later because he is cute.

Also, there is a seperate group, who may or may not also be called The Goonies, that are made up adolscent kids, mostly from the cast of Stand By Me but also Short Round from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. One of the Coreys is not in the film, but maybe they find him hidden with the gold coins in the cave somewhere. There is a romantic love interest, and something called the Truffle Shuffle. It’s kind of like Willy Wonka, but with more monsters. Eventually, Josh Brolin or Corey Feldman make out with someone, since they are the cutest boys in the movie.

The End.

So how did I do?

Share This Post:
    • Ellen W.

      Neither have I! And I’m avoiding it because I don’t want a repeat of the my disappointment after watching Dirty Dancing for the first time at 21. It’s like there’s an age range when these movies click and I missed out. Bummer.

    • Drew Grant

      Besides, using your imagination is so much better, isn’t it?

    • faye

      I don’t understand how! It was on TV ALL THE TIME