Four Loko: Delicious, Disgusting, Or Dangerous?

Hey parents, have you heard that your kids are drinking caffeinated alcoholic malt beverages again? This time its coming in the form of Four Loko, and sweeping campuses across the nation after being created by three Oho college students. It’s either delicious or disgusting, depending on which over-stimulated teen you ask, but it’s also very dangerous. Or at least, so says the attorney state general of Washington, after nine students were hospitalized after drinking the beverage. Though technically, it is not a date-rape drug, so that’s good.

This reminds us of the Sparks scare of the mid-aughts, when we all learned that drinking high volumes of alcohol and artificial stimulants lead to a lot of sleepless nights, bad decision-making, and sometimes overnight hospital stays when you needed to get your stomach pumped. And yet somehow, red bull and vodka is still available at most bars, despite being described by one friend as making him feel like he drenched his brain in battery acid.

According to a source (an anonymous b5 intern), Four Loko is stronger than Sparks, tastes kinda whatever, and “is not a big deal.” It comes in lemonade and berry-flavor, probably? (Oh, interns.) But it definitely fills the niche that was left when Sparks was pulled from the market and then brought back in neutered form.

So the question you have to ask yourself when purchasing Four Loko isn’t “Do I want the world’s worst hangover tomorrow morning?”, it’s “Do I really trust any drug that can fuck me up for $2.50 a can?” You’re probably better off huffing Dust-Off.

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    • Palmer Huff

      I personally won’t drink Four Loko’s because the last time I even drank Joose, I leaked some pretty incriminating information and got sick in front of about 27 frat boys. However, I can tell you that people think drinks like Four Loko and Joose are “delicious” and “funny”…a.k.a. it’s easy because you just buy one and save a bunch of money instead of buying a handle of liquor or a 12-pack of beer. Just one of these you can literally feel taking pieces of your brain away. The amount of “fun” you have is in no way worth the hangover that feels like you drank just enough cyanide to not kill you. That or replaced Splenda in your coffee with rat poison.

    • Brando

      i heard FoLo is for dorks or whatever…