Hey parents, have you heard that your kids are drinking caffeinated alcoholic malt beverages again? This time its coming in the form of Four Loko, and sweeping campuses across the nation after being created by three Oho college students. It’s either delicious or disgusting, depending on which over-stimulated teen you ask, but it’s also very dangerous. Or at least, so says the attorney state general of Washington, after nine students were hospitalized after drinking the beverage. Though technically, it is not a date-rape drug, so that’s good.
This reminds us of the Sparks scare of the mid-aughts, when we all learned that drinking high volumes of alcohol and artificial stimulants lead to a lot of sleepless nights, bad decision-making, and sometimes overnight hospital stays when you needed to get your stomach pumped. And yet somehow, red bull and vodka is still available at most bars, despite being described by one friend as making him feel like he drenched his brain in battery acid.
According to a source (an anonymous b5 intern), Four Loko is stronger than Sparks, tastes kinda whatever, and “is not a big deal.” It comes in lemonade and berry-flavor, probably? (Oh, interns.) But it definitely fills the niche that was left when Sparks was pulled from the market and then brought back in neutered form.
So the question you have to ask yourself when purchasing Four Loko isn’t “Do I want the world’s worst hangover tomorrow morning?”, it’s “Do I really trust any drug that can fuck me up for $2.50 a can?” You’re probably better off huffing Dust-Off.