Phaedra Parks is running away with this foodcapper’s heart. Last night on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, while the other housewives were running around getting plastic surgery or worrying about their careers and love interests, Phaedra was holding down the food front, presenting us with reminders of why she was invited on the show.
What did we get? Absurd outfits, ridiculous food items, gratuitous ballerinas and rhinestone eyelashes. Also, Derby hats!
The cast members of The Real Housewives of Atlanta are usually an aberration of reality television: they love food. But this week, Phaedra Parks was pulling more than her own weight. NeNe Leakes, for one, was at her plastic surgeon’s office most of this episode. You know what they don’t let you have in the operating room? Food.
This week, I’m ranking the food skills of our Housewives in reverse order.
In last place: Cynthia Bailey.
She’s a model. I have yet to see her eat.
And this might come to her detriment. She and her boyfriend shared a limo with Phaedra and Dwight on the way to a horse race in last night’s episode. And the lack of food in the car turned Phaedra into a nightmare. She started calling out Cynthia’s boyfriend Peter for having kids and generally running off her mouth in an embarrassing manner.
Why? There was no food in the limo. And you won’t like Phaedra when she’s hungry. As Cynthia put it:
“My man is about five minutes from choking Phaedra. And going to prison himself.”
She also came up with this winner to describe Phaedra’s “equestrian” outfit:
“Phaedra looked like a black Tammy Fae Baker. And Dwight looked like Willy Wonka.”
Fifth place: Kim Zolciak.
Kim is normally the front runner when it comes to eating and drinking on this show. But in last night’s episode, she was too busy running around to the houses and events of the other housewives that she barely had time to eat. But she did save room to do lots of drinking at Phaedra’s shower. Thank goodness.
Fourth place: Sheree Whitfield.
While she did not eat anything in this episode, Sheree made up for that with her discussions of food. She told her trainer:
“Of course money’s an issue. I like nice things. I like to go wine and dine.”
Also her new man Tiy-EE, who calls himself “The Love Doctor” (even though he is not a doctor), took her to one of his seminars as their second date. Lamesauce. But Sheree learned an important lesson about dating:
“Not to open the ketchup.”
It’s good to get the basics understood before the third date. Nice work, Tiy-EE.
Third Place: NeNe Leakes.
We were sure that NeNe’s surgery would be one of the highlights of last night’s episode. But it was more sad than anything else. NeNe and her husband Gregg have been having problems. And he didn’t make a single appearance during surgery or recovery, leaving NeNe to meekly wonder: “Where Gregg at?”
Also, NeNe was on strict doctors orders to avoid food and alcohol. Boo.
Second place: Kandi Burruss.
Kandi is almost too sane to be on this show. And she rarely ever eats. However, she was invaluable this week, for coming up with the amazing term “Boughetto.” Her explanation:
“The rhinestones on the eyelashes thing? That was a little boughetto. Boughie and ghetto at the same time: boughetto.”
Which gets us to the main event: Phaedra’s baby shower.