Christine “No Lovin’ For the Coven” O’Donnell
Initiate slow clap. Pointy hats off to the O’Donnell campaign for taking a boring talking head spot and turning it into a damn catchy jingle. What I don’t get is if Christine O’Donnell has such a beautiful singing voice, why hasn’t she been showcasing it from the beginning. Granted, midterm elections shouldn’t be a beauty pageant, but would a swimsuit competition be such a bad thing, John Kerry? My blind liberalism- not to mention my NY state residency- prevents me from recognizing her as a viable candidate, but she really almost gets me here. Having dabbled in paganism in my tweens, I understand the stigma. But unlike her, I endorse dabbling yourself. In fact, I just did.
Carly “Boxer Rebellion” Fiorina
What is this a campaign ad or Children of Men? Either way, I fell asleep halfway through both. This commercial is so long that by the time it gets to Carly Fiorina, I’ve already made peace with the end of humanity. We get it, Tom Campbell is a furry with demon issues. Next slide, am I right ladies?
Ben “Potatoe” Quayle
Okay, guilty as charged! Ben Quayle is not one of us females. But more importantly, Barack Obama is the worst President in history. Not just US History. All of history. Not just in politics, either. Even the president of your local Pen15 club is a better president than Obama. Yes, Ben exceeds Dan in Quayle stupidity.
It pains me deeply to say this, but I genuinely don’t care how devastatingly handsome BQ is. I can ignore his deep blue eyes beckoning me to just get lost swimming around in them for days. His golden skin, his perfectly gelled hair, the prospect of being the wife of a Congressman. Oh God, the weekends on the Cape. The lavish parties. Knowing that I don’t have to sneak into Country Clubs anymore to enjoy the fruits of the free buffet. All you can eat. A life’s worth of all you can eat. A Quayle, a Quayle, my kingdom for a Quayle.
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