The guests were all sitting in their seats, making small talk amongst themselves as they waited for the ceremony to begin. The wedding, between singer/songwriter Katy Perry and actor Russell Brand was to be a serious affair, as the invitations stated, with solemn vows being traded between two people who were deeply committed to making a life together. It was also going to have an Indian theme at the Rajasthan desert resort of Aman-i-Khas, which in no one was to bring to mind the African Child music video at the beginning of Get Him to the Greek. Russell Brand had told his friends at his joint bachelor/bachelorette party with his fiancee the week before (Russell and Katy did not condone the American tradition of drunken, lecherous debauchery before nuptials) that despite rumors and their reputations, he wanted a very normal wedding.
A red-haired guest in the front row shifted to face the the woman behind him and grinned widely, “Elmo excited to see Miss Katy get married!” The ceremony begun.
With little fanfare Russell Brand appeared at the base of the alter. He was wearing a Victorian top hat, a long mustache that curled up at the corners, and a giant walking cane in addition to his understated Victorian English tuxedo. He was flanked by his best man, a giant bag of heroin, who Russell had made clear was to be on his best behavior during the ceremony. Russell had almost gone with one of his other celebrity friends over his oldest school-chum, because he knew how the bag of heroin got when he partied too hard. But in the end, Russell decided that this, the most important moment of his life, should be shared with his oldest friend, even though he rarely saw the bag of heroin anymore.
The music began. It was a mash-up of a Bollywood version of Here Comes the Bride and “California Gurl.” Samantha Ronson was spinning the track in the back, aided by a full orchestra which she was remixing live. Katy appeared at the flap of the tent, in a traditional wedding saree in magenta and neon blue, flanked by tiny confection birds which held up the trails of her dress. She narrowed her eyes when she saw Russell’s outfits, and Betty White who was sitting in the back row (to make an easy exit…just in case) could have sworn she heard Katy mumble something about “always having to do things his way.” But as quickly as it had come on, Katy’s scowl passed and was replaced by a beatific smile.
Instead of her father, Katy had begged the chick from Bones to walk her down the isle. “I really don’t think that’s appropriate…” that Bones woman had said when she had gotten the phone call from Katy’s personal assistant, a giant talking squirrel.
“Miss Perry says you two are practically family, or at least everyone thinks you are,” said the beleaguered squirrel, “plus, she’s willing to pay you $40k to give her away in this very low-key affair at an Indian casino resort.” After looking at how much she made on her current contract, Bones agreed and now found herself walking arm and arm with a woman who looked sort of like her sister, wearing a sparkly bikini with tassels coming down off the top. She was pretty sure Russell Brand winked at her.
“Shall we begin?” asked the Unitarian, non-denominational Na’vi officiant, once Katy had reached her future husband at the alter.
Later on, the guests would tell themselves that all things considered, it was a pretty normal wedding.