Am I Right Ladies? The Fine Print

This week, Gail K. tackles the tough topic of print advertising through KFC Double Downs, intergalatic pads, and eye vaginas.

1. KFC Puts the Double Down on Sweatpants

KFC is taking its dogma of meat-on-meat-on-meat treats to college campuses across America, in hopes to transform late-night munchies from drab to fab to flab! According to the press release, KFC is offering co-ed cuties the chance to trade in their Greek letters and become branded human billboards by wearing the words “Double Down” across their cute, toned buns. Funny, I already wear the Double Down on my ass from the daily caloric intake alone, does that make me a brand ambASSador? I mean really, everytime I eat KFC, I take a Double Down 30 minutes afterwards, and let me tell you cute it ain’t. Point is, ladies (and fellas), I’m a walking ASSvertisement for the KFC brand, so where’s my $500 stipend and free reign to roam college campuses without being labeled “creepy” or indicted for “trespassing”?


2. Chevy Impala Nostalgic for Misogyny


This ad was originally a billboard and is now available for purchase as a poster online at Chevy Mall, but something about it just screamed “TV Spot” to me and I was feeling adventurous. Take a look:

EXT. – MAKEOUT POINT – Night

A row of parked cars overlook a deep, dark gorge. Lit only by moonlight, the cars rock back and forth to rhythm of music coming from their respective ham radios. We stop on one car, a seafoam green Chevy Impala, with 2 passengers sitting in the front seat. A studly GREASER (17) turns around to look at the camera.

GREASER

Remember when your cup holder sat next to you and wore a poodle skirt?
A HOT BLONDE (15) , breasts practically spilling into her neck, turns to look at the camera.

GIRL IN POODLE SKIRT

I’m just glad he’s letting me take a break from the hand job, am I right ladies? (::WINK::)
GFX: Chevy Impala. When Boys Were Boys, and Girls Were Utilities.

(ALT.) GIRL IN POODLE SKIRT

Better to be a cup holder than a pot holder, am I right ladies? (::WINK::)
GFX: Chevy Impala. Get Back in the Kitchen, Woman.

(ALT.) GIRL IN POODLE SKIRT

This isn’t what I had in mind when he said he wanted to “pin me,” am I right ladies? (::WINK::)
GFX: Chevy Impala. Define “consent.”

FADE OUT.

3. Always Pads Now With Warp Speed Absorption

How could the Always Brand stoop Su Lu? I’m sorry, but what kind of heavy menstrual flow propels a woman’s absorption needs into the outer limits? Honestly, is this the feminine hygiene aisle or the opening to a Comicon fan fiction graphic novel? Like most women, I’d like for my vagina to live long and prosper freshly, but even a crimson tsunami hardly merits an intergalactic surf board. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t want speeds in the gear of “warp” anywhere near my lady parts unless I’m making whoopee or losing pounds. And since I haven’t done either in the past 31 moon cycles, this pad can beam itself back up to whatever galaxy far far away from whence it came. But, feel free to leave Chris Pine behind “klinging” on to me for dear life, am I right ladies? (For the love of Gul Dukat, I hope so.)

4. Beauty Is In the Eye of the Vagina, by SC Johnson: A Family Company


Well, do you know what your kids are watching? Because apparently, they’re eye-deep in vaginas. You know just because every baby passes through one #notMYCaesarean, doesn’t mean it’s safe for their little peepers to see another cooch until at least adulthood. If SC Johnson could cast all labias out like lepers, you bet your thumpin’ Bibles they would! But before you cry womyn’s lib, remember these folks are experts. This family company certainly knows domestic danger when they see it. After all, they manufacture such household toxins as Raid, Windex and Pledge. Chew on THAT! …and you may end up with a pump to your stomach. There’s no telling what unspeakable horrors peeping a vagina or 2 might incur. (GAILED IT)

5. PiperLime.com Says: “Say No To Sweatpants”

No thanks.

Follow Gail K. on Twitter for more insights on fashion, love, and celebrity weirdness.

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