Yesterday, the whole Joaquin Phoenix ex-actor/rapper/beard-having-person thing was finally revealed to be a hoax — something we called 5 minutes into the screening of his and Casey Affleck’s infuriating “documentary.” Casey explained that Joaquin’s so-called freakout was nothing more than a bit of self-indulgent performance art. Thanks for wasting our time, Joaq! Now that J.P.’s traditional acting career has gone beer-belly up, we thought of five jobs he might want to consider taking:
• Birthday Party Clown: Joaquin Phoenix with a clown nose, Joaquin Phoenix with polka dots, or even just Joaquin Phoenix with a beard and a pair of stupid sunglasses. I would hire the shit out of this guy to come entertain my drunk pals in Williamsburg.
• Weight Watchers Spokesman: Mr. Phoenix packed on some weight for his little charade, and lost it just as quickly. If he’s going to be fluctuating his poundage so frequently, he might as well make some money off it. He and Jared would look cute together.
• Life Coach: “Um, yeah. Just don’t do what I did and you’ll be fine.”
• Joaquin Phoenix Impersonator, Maybe: You know that old story about how Charlie Chaplin once lost a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest? I don’t doubt that Joaquin is eminently recognizable now that he’s back to his regular guy persona, but the Johnny Cash look is simply not what the folks on Hollywood Blvd. are going to want. If JP’s willing to grow back the beard, this job could be his.
• Performance Artist: Despite what he may think, dude hasn’t actually done this job yet – but hey, he’s got nothing to lose by giving it a try. We’ll call James Franco for some tips.