“Silence” – KY Intense
I spent the past year intensely trying to forget these commercials, only to have them show up every 5 minutes this weekend while watching Hulu. Here’s a note to Hulu ad sales, when I’m catching up on Reba or The Closer or any of the other 33 shows I watch I don’t want to be constantly reminded of how painfully single I am. At my age, my ass should be spreading from having babies and no time for myself, not eating an entire pizza and watching Hulu for 7 hours straight. And yet, here I was 5 hours deep into a Lazy Sunday and 3 scoops into my 2nd ice cream Sunday watching a boring couple have better sex than I have in (ahem) years. Listen, K-Y, I’ve been with a guy that lasts 5 seconds, and it wasn’t earth shattering it was awkward and always involved tears. He had mommy issues and no amount of sexy oils was going fix that.
“Dior Homme” – Starring Jude Law, Directed by Guy Ritchie
Dior Homme? More like, BORE Homme am I right ladies? Look, even though I find it hard to be attracted to a man that makes a prettier woman than I do, I’ll take Jude Law when offered to me- in a chocolate fountain if that’s an option. But in a snooze fest like this? I’ve felt more sexual tension in my most recent online relationship with a man named Bruce who turned out to be a frustrated housewife from Poughkeepsie. The one -minute credit sequence at the end of this commercial was the most titillating part because I knew the end was nigh. I mean seriously this may be the only time I’ve watched a commercial and thought “sir, please put your shirt back on.” Apparently, Guy Ritchie wanted us to get Swept Away to sleep! I could keep going but my libido fell asleep 3 years ago (unrelated). After this Anglophonic bore, I need Clive Owen shirtless driving an Aston Martin to ensure a speedy recovery, and I need it stat, am I right ladies?
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