Every week, Gail K. skewers the advertising industry’s latest campaigns targeted for ladies.
“Cute Girl Has A Catchy Dance” – Samsung
Bravo, Samsung, you get me, you understand my ovaries are burning. But if you think an adorable toddler dancing like all her dreams aren’t just waiting to be crushed by a world of mediocrity and disappointment is going to make me forget that I’ll probably only ever be a “cool aunt” and suddenly flood me with memories of simpler times when I too could laugh and dance and eat all the chocolate cupcakes I wanted without gaining a single pound, well then I have two things to say to you: good guess and what is your return policy?
Inspired by your commercial, I attempted to turn the lobby of my work into an impromptu nightclub. Not only did no one join me dancing, but I also got a nasty rug burn on my right thigh and a warning from HR. Apparently, my tube top revealed too many of my natural influences. So, sorry Samsung, but I’ll be returning my keys to your kingdom of lies. As soon as your customer service rep takes me off hold, am I right ladies?
“Pants Sizes Don’t Measure Up” – Good Morning America
It’s bad enough with the men in our lives, but apparently now we have to worry about our pants lying to us too ladies. No, they’re not making up stories about the last time a man’s seen the inseam of them (2 years, 3 months, 12 days), but rather they may be aging down their actual size. Well, I’ve always said you don’t know pain until you are lying on the floor of a JCPenney dressing room, legs slathered in Crisco Oil which you carry on your person at all times, trying to slide your way into the last size of jeans that is keeping you from officially being plus sized. So if retailers want to tell me I’m a size 2 when I’m actually a size 12, I say bring on the tub o’ Crisco, girls, I’m ready to fall into the GAP.
“Herding Cats” – IKEA
Last night I opened an Ikea credit card, spent $1300 on furniture and have no man to help put any of it together. My mother is right, I shouldn’t watch You Tube videos that make me emotional at 2 in the morning.