An Open Letter to My Friends (Who Are Always Wrong)

Dear friends,

Look, I’m sorry that I’m always right.

Let me start off by telling you that I love you. I love you and I feel like I owe you an apology. I’m getting the feeling that my always being right is hard for you to accept. While I experience my unquestionable correctness as empowering, it poses a threat to the people I love most. I can’t bring myself to say that I’m sorry that I’m always right and you are not, but I’d like to apologize for taking such pleasure in it. I understand the embarrassment you feel when I am right and you are wrong is maximized when I say “I told you so…” or allow a grin to escape me. I’ll admit it’s a little hard for me to truly sympathize as I can’t know exactly how you feel since I’m always right (never wrong) and have never experienced your level of humiliation. But when I imagine how that must feel, the experience is unfavorable to say the least.

I have to say though, that I’m a little annoyed. It’s not my fault that I am always right and you are always wrong. That intense feeling of frustration is not hate you feel for me, but hate you feel for your self. Please try not to project your self-repulsion onto me. I don’t understand why you put yourself in the position to be wrong so often. It is self destructive. Try being right, it’s really good for you and feels great.

I know I shouldn’t gloat, and again I’m very sorry for this. But what you have to understand is how much joy I get out of being right. It’s an incredible adrenalin rush. For those of you who are always wrong, which is all of you, I don’t expect you to sympathize with me so allow me to explain. I’ll sum it up in one word: Satisfaction. It is incredibly satisfying to be soooo right after a long battle with someone who is soooo wrong. But it’s not all good. At first I experience frustration and anger which is fueled by the person who doubts my rightness. How dare you suggest I’m wrong when I’m absolutely positively unquestionably right?

You might be saying right now “But Sarah-Violet, sometimes your arguments are undeniably objective!” In these cases you seem to think that I’m arguing that “I’m right” which is not the case. I am merely challenging your opinions and requesting a thorough explanation to support your point of view. I think you misrepresent my tendency to agree with my own opinions over yours as a declaration of my rightness. Not so. In certain cases I can undoubtably be a bully and demand that you back up your opinions but I do not claim to be “right”. I only claim to be right when I am right. And therein lies my secret.

How is it that I manage to always be right? Here it goes. Listen carefully….I am not always right. Which is exactly the opposite of what I said, I know. But here’s the thing…I never put myself in a situation where my argument could be wrong. If I feel the slightest pang of doubt, I will back off. Pick your battles, my friends. I know very little of the world. But what I know, I know is right. If I tell you directly “I know I’m right about this. I’m right. No, that’s wrong, I’m right. I’m so positive. I’ll bet you a kabillion dollars.” Or a variation of the sort; I’m right. I apologize for my behavior. It is annoying. I apologize for this blog post. It is self satisfying and probably even more annoying. I apologize for being unbearable to be around. Can we be friends again?



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    • John McCloughlin


    • Jerri Blank

      You go, girl!

    • pomobetta

      So you can’t even be right about your own letter if you flip=flop at the end. A good read if one’s three inches deep in whiskey though. Good job!