An Open Letter to Karaoke Ringers

You guys know who you are, even though you come in to the karaoke bar every night pretending not to know each other from acting/improv/voice class. You hog the microphone with your musical numbers (that would be numbers from musicals, which often involve props you’ve brought along like a funny hat, or nearby stool to Fosse-out on), and make sure that for every one song somebody else sings, you’ve cued up three. The announcer gets embarrassed after the fourth or fifth time he calls your name for a song from Cabaret or Rent.

Your boyfriend over there? He isn’t much better. Sure, the old women in the crowd love it when he slicks his hair back and sings “Grease Lightening” or Backstreet Boys, but dating the real-life version of Mr. Schue from Glee just makes us feel bad for you: Eventually he will realize his love for the limelight and vibrato were all that were keeping you together, and his love for a guy named Steve will manage outshine both of them.

Dear karaoke ringers: Please stop choreographing your dance routine. This is no America’s Got Talent. This isn’t even American Idol, where you kind of just strut around the stage. Grip the microphone in two sweaty hands like the rest of us and have fun! If you are a professional singer but no director will recognize your talent yet, karaoke bars are not the place to show-off that you have the voice of the next Christina Aguilera or Susan Boyle. You are making the rest of us uncomfortable, like when we go to the paintball course and see that some guy brought their own equipment. We hate to say this, but you are too invested in your hobby. Please, get out.

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