We worry you may not be familiar with such a formal salutation. Are you comfortable with the letter format or would it be easier if we just added you on BBM? Unfortunately (really, it is unfortunate), we doubt you’ll add us as a Blackberry Contact so we’ll just introduce ourselves by saying, “Babe! Babe! Babe, hi, baaaabe!”
First of all, literally, CONGRATS on your new position at I DIE Incorporated! We have no clue what you did in your previous place of employment, but we are certain it has made you highly qualified for your role as Lead Firer Of Employees Named Taylor Who Apparently Stole The Size 2 Samples From The PR Agency. Good for you, Rodg, for finally letting the thief go, but WTF, Bravo…you weren’t there to catch it on tape? We’re sure it was, draaaaamatic. And we would have liked to see that.
Anyway, once you got done with the Taylor disposing, it seems you were able to start getting comfortable working at Rach’s shop, doing things like “adding structure” and telling your wife she was being “too emotional.” But then we got confused. Do you work for Rachel or not? First, it’s like, “OMG it’s so fun working with you, baaaabe,” but then you were like, “You’re not my boss, you freak!” Like, you actually said that, and literally, it literally made no sense. Just because your haircut makes you look like Justin Bieber, it doesn’t mean you don’t work for your wife! Because you do.
But oh, enough of fashion, and on to the manlier things in life! When you lie in bed, draped in your Missoni-print bedspread, watching “football,” we just swoon. Really. And don’t even get us started on when you up the manly factor to be like, “Let’s figure out what were doing for dinner!” and Rachel’s like, “You’re always hungry!” A man needs to eat, Rachel! Especially such a manly one like you, Rodger
Literally, babe. Babe.