It’s a fact: Jessica Simpson is in talks with American Idol about joining the judges’ panel next season. She’s not going to replace Simon Cowell; she would, however, make a great replacement for Ellen DeGeneres, who is dead weight on a show being singlehandedly held together by the prodigious talents of Ryan Seacrest.
Here is why Jessica should replace Ellen:
1. Unofficial studies have shown that Idol fans really, really miss Paula Abdul. Paula, with her seal claps and glazed, medicated eyes, was unintentionally hilarious in a way that Ellen is not. Ellen is awkward and contrived, while Paula is slurry and off-the-cuff (perfect for reality TV). Jessica too, has that filter-less quality, not to mention the recording artist cred. It would be a perfect fit.
2. Jessica needs Idol more than Ellen does. While Ellen has a successful and critically-acclaimed talk show, Jessica could use a career boost to match her Newlyweds popularity.
4. Jessica could broker a lucrative deal wherein contestants are forced to wear her namesake designer shoes, which are actually pretty cute. This would make dad-ager Joe Simpson very, very rich.
5. When John Mayer signs on as a celebrity “mentor,” he will undoubtedly come face to face with Jessica, the woman he once deemed “sexual napalm.” This historic meeting will send the entertainment blogosphere into a tizzy, thereby rebranding Jessica as a Woman Scorned Who Got The Last Laugh.
And anybody who does get a coveted judges’ spot does indeed get the last laugh. Because it’s the best gig in showbiz! Also, Ellen is boring. Nice, but boring.