‘Bethenny Getting Married?’ Doll Recap: ‘I’M CROWNING!!!!’

We watched Bethenny Frankel getting married. And last night, we saw her in labor, rushing to the hospital five weeks early to prepare for the birth of baby Bryn. In all the staged madness of reality TV, there was nothing fake about this scenario; say what you will about Bethenny (or “Murderous Slore Who’s Not Really A Chef,” as Crazy Kelly would say), but she’s as real getting an epidural/on drugs as she is feuding with Jill Zarin. Before we get to our doll recap, here’s some stuff that happened:

  1. Bethenny learned to give a plastic baby CPR. She also learned to strap the plastic baby in a carseat. It took her a while to get the hang of it.
  2. Then her Thoroughbred/eternally relaxed pal Lauren brought her one-month-old son to Bethenny’s apartment. Cookie got jealous, barking each time the baby cried. Bethenny figured out that she could diffuse Cookie’s jealousy by simultaneously massaging the dog whilst holding a child, thereby giving each their due attention.
  3. Then! Bethenny’s water broke. Jason (as portrayed in the gallery by an awesome lint roller we had lying around) was all, “We don’t have a birth plan!” and “We have to figure out a name!” Bethenny was all, “Maybe the baby will come out today, no?” They took showers, and Bravo’s cameras were in the shower with Jason, and he was naked save for the strategic blurring of his penis. (Kind of like in the pool in St. Barth’s last week!)
  4. They rushed to the hospital in a car and Jason predicted they would have a boy. Bethenny barked not to alert his parents, lest Perez Hilton get word of the news.
  5. Bethenny’s No. 1 assistant Julie ordered No. 2 assistant Max to buy underwear for Bethenny, who was laid up at her birthing suite at the Lenox Hill clinic sans thongs. “Four years of college education and this is my job – buying underwear. Women’s underwear,” he smirked. Har, har.
  6. Meanwhile, Bethenny was sweating and slurping Italian ice, joking, “I’M CROWNING!!!” Jason lay beside her in bed. He told her that her estranged mother had called their house and said maybe they should invite her over when to see the baby sometime. Bethenny said, “I don’t really want her to come to the house.” Jason said, “That’s crazy, huh?”
  7. Then she went heavily into labor, contracting up a storm. It was painful to watch and it was like the Miracle Of Birth all over again. She got an epidural and, after that, labor was “like a party.”
  8. Bryn is born, behind closed doors, via C-section because Bethenny was “too narrow.” Fin.

Would you like to see a dramatic Barbie reenactment of this dramatic plot? Behold! Our gallery, below:

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