True Blood 3×5: Tara Can’t Eat Flowers

"I deserve to be on a better show."

Full disclosure: I was distracted this week while watching True Blood. As some of you may know (why would you know?), I started powering my way through Lost as soon as the series ended, and finally got to the end of the show at 8 a.m. Sunday morning. So sorry if I can’t focus on your ridiculous show about vampires and werewolves and shape-shifter politics, Mr. Alan Ball; I’m still processing the much more realistic conceit of a smoke monster on the magical island. But if I had to take a stab ( True Blugh) at it, this is what I came up with for this week’s episode:

• Tara is still resisting Vampire Franklin, who has kidnapped her and brought her to King Vampire Russell’s house. This doesn’t make any sense to the viewing audience, seeing as having a hot British Vampire who acts like you are the Nancy to his Sid is better than Tara deserves, especially since he is so good at text-messaging. Look! Look at how fast he can type “motherfucker” to Lafayette! Tara sort of laughs, which in Tara-world is the best you’re going to get. But then she’s only pretending to like him, because she tries to run away from the Vampire King’s house (which is apparently The White House? It looks like the White House), but gets caught by Vampire Cooter, who is all roided out. Then Franklin tells Tara he is going to “turn her.” Turn her what? Interesting? Oh no, just turn her into his vampire bride. Okay.
• Tara also sees Bill at the Vampire King’s house, and he has blood on his face and she is all like “Bill?” and he like “Whatevs.” and Lorena is like “You know this human?” and the audience is like “Bitch you’ve been around for three seasons, catch up.”
• Eric shows up to try to frame Bill for selling V in Louisiana. And the Vampire King plays along, and Bill emerges from behind a curtain or something and is like “gotcha!” It is very David Mamet, Prisoner’s Dilemma over here, what with all the vampire espionage. Eric explains he needs to save Pam from the Magistrate, who lets just go over this again, seems to have more power in this stupid vampire feudal system than the sheriff and the Queen? King Russell is like “I hate the magistrate too, lets work together, Bill is my bitch now.” And Eric is like “Awesome, that means I can have Sookie,” and Bill is basically like “Whatevs.” Damn Bill, ice-cold.
• Oh yeah, Sookie is still dressed up Pulp Fiction like, and hangs out with Alcide the whole episode. He has basically become Sam from season 1. We know who wears the plaid in this show! Sam takes her to see the Packleader, to discuss official “were-business.” Hahaha. Best written show, continued. The Packleader is some old redneck (d’uh, because if you haven’t gotten this season’s heavy-handed metaphor, the vampires now represent the old genteel South, and the werewolves are white-trash. Vampires are still an analogy for homosexuality though, don’t worry), who drives my mom’s old Toyota. He can’t help them. Supplies.
• Speaking of rednecks, Sam’s family is the worst! Tommy is hitting on Jessica (who is using her powers of Glamoring in the best way possible: screwing Arlene for tips at Merlotte’s), and Sam’s dad has this weird thing that is supposed to be sort of creepy and under-explained, but basically boils down to “alcoholism.”
• Lafayette’s mom’s caretaker Jesus shows up to hang out (!!) and Lafayette is like “I’m working for the next 9 hours” and Jesus is like “that’s cool, I’ll hang out.” If you don’t get it yet, Jesus is gay. You know this because he is wearing a purple shirt and no one would hang out at Merlotte’s for 9 hours if there were any other gay people in this state. Poor Jesus, he got lost on his way to audition for Entourage and ended up in this back-water burg.
• What else, what else? Oh yeah, Eric sees a crown that used to belong to his Viking dad (who he obviously had daddy issues with) and realizes that King Russell and the werewolves killed his family. Then he begins to write a letter, “Dear Mr. Sawyer, You don’t know me, but I know you…” etc, etc. (Get it? Lost was a way better show, the end.)
• Jason is sort of a cop, and after a Ferris Bueller montage of him dicking around at the sheriff’s office, he tries to pull over that chick he saw at the meth bust a couple weeks ago. They have sex by the water and she is like “all we have is now,” which makes it pretty obvious that she is either a ghost or a mermaid. Could go either way, really. Also her name is Crystal. Crystal Meth.

• Cooter tells Bill that Sookie is sleeping with Alcide. THAT DOES IT! Bill finally does something and runs to talk to Sookie. He didn’t do anything when he sensed she was in danger, when people threatened to kill her, or when he called her and was like “fuck off.” But sleeping with a werewolf? SOOOOOOOOKIE! (First good one of the season.)
• Oops! Turns out he still “doesn’t care;” he shows up at the werewolf hotel (or wherever) to tell Sookie to leave Mississippi. Yeah right: This shit is so Eclipse. We know you love her Bill!

Next week: Tara is a vampire? Fine.

Update: Oh yeah, Sookie gets ambushed and does her Rogue X-Men crossover bit. Once again, no one is bothered by this and instead finds it “Marvelous!”

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    • xarisse

      Hahahahaha…. Very good observation!

    • Lindsey

      This post was super funny. Just wish it wasn’t riddled with True Blood hate. The best thing about True Blood is that ABC can’t cancel it…(because they were smart enough to put it on HBO(Take that ABC))..and these days giving at least some people a story that might get an ending is pretty awesome all weird sub-plots asde.